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The Maven and The Blonde Review “Wild Hogs”

There was no talk show -- morning, afternoon, or late night -- that the stars of this film avoided in their quest to support the film “Wild Hogs.” All four of them even appeared on “Oprah” at the same time.

The story is about a group of middle-aged friends who enjoy their weekends by riding their motorcycles together as a "gang." They all seem to hit a mid-life crisis at the same time. Woody Stevens, played by John Travolta (“Ladder 49,” “Swordfish”) suggests a cross country trip on their bikes as a way to get back in touch with their younger selves. Unbeknownst to the others, Woody is getting divorced and has made some bad investments. He needs this trip to take his mind off his impending misery. Tim Allen (“The Santa Clause” movies), plays Doug Madsen, a dentist who suddenly realizes he is mundane. Bobby Davis, played by Martin Lawrence (“Bad Boys” movies) is a plumber who is horribly henpecked. Dudley Frank is a shy computer geek who has yet to score a serious relationship in his life. He is played by William H. Macy (“Seabiscuit,” “Door to Door”). Of note in the film is Ray Liotta (“Identity,” “Hannibal”) who plays Jack, the leader of the Del Fuegos, which is a legitimate biker gang. The director is Walter Becker (“National Lampoon's Van Wilder”) and the movie was written by Brad Copeland (“My Name is Earl,” “Arrested Development”).
The Blonde: This film was silly, trite, ridiculous, totally unbelievable, and I kinda liked it. Of course I have been depressed all week, so I would have liked the film “Ulee’s Gold.” “Wild Hogs: was like “City Slickers” meets “City Slickers 2,” meets all the biker films, meets my ex husband who is a wanna-be biker. To begin with, John looked better than he has in YEARS! I smell some serious surgery and working out here. Really, I don’t mean to be catty… but meow, he has looked thick for years. He looks more like the beloved Vinnie Barbarino now. Loved it. His character was sexy because he was vulnerable. Guys need to know we like a little vulnerable-ness.

The Maven: VULNERABLE-NESS?? Considering all the hype that went with this film, I was a little disappointed. Of the four major players, only William H. Macy seemed to put any effort into his role. In fact, I think he stole this movie. Most of the gags were funny, but not hilarious. Although the gay paranoia was amusing, after a while it got old. There could (should) have been more substance.

The Blonde: I agree with you Mav. They missed the mark. There were so many golden opportunities for humor and they just didn’t make it happen. Speaking of missing the mark, I don’t mind that Britney shaved her head, but she could have at least left a little ponytail. SOMETHING! OOPS, I BET SHE WON’T DO THAT AGAIN! MAV, what are you referring to when you say GAY SUBSTANCE? Mmmmmmmmmm. Can I start on Bush now?


The Blonde: NEVER MIND THEN! Macy did steal the film, but he usually does. He is so totally under-rated. Tim Allen always seems to walk through his films, except for Buzz Lightyear in “Toy Story.” Ray Liotta was just a BIKER mob guy, NOT JUST his usual MOB GUY… not a big change for him, either. As for Martin Lawrence, bland as well; NO GREAT STRETCH. Maybe we can just chalk this off to poor writing. This film could have been so much better!

The Maven: Marisa Tomei was wasted in the film. Since I know she can act, I have to blame the writer for writing such a bland character. Even Ray Liotta was a little boring. How come he always looks like he just woke up? Travolta and Lawrence were okay, but Tim Allen was just not there. On all their promotional tours, the actors seemed to have more fun together than their characters did on screen. The most genius scene was when Peter Fonda showed up. Unfortunately, those younger than us will not get the joke. DO NOT GIVE ME THAT CRAP ABOUT YOU BEING TOO YOUNG!

The Blonde: YOUNG! You took the words out of my mouth. Who is Peter Fonda ANYWAY, you old fitch? MEOWWWW! MOVIN ALONG, I too adore Marisa. Why did she take this film? She is so fantastic. Work must be scarce. Maybe she just wanted to do a comedy and she is friends with all the guys in it? I would have taken it just to work with them myself!
  The Maven: Okay Blonde! We went to Southwest Miami High School TOGETHER, and all your denials cannot change that. If you continue to make believe you are much younger than I am, I will publish your high school yearbook picture! The eyeliner alone will tell, (Twiggy).

The Blonde: WOWWW! That’s it! Readers, I am so much younger than our beloved Mav! I did go to that high school, but YEARS AFTER our Mav. AND WHO IS TWIGGY ANYWAY! Can I talk about Bush now?


The Maven: Isn't it funny that even though Al Gore said he isn't running again, the Republicans are still attacking him. They can't stand the fact that he won an Oscar for his documentary.

The Blonde: Now Al, I do know! He so totally deserved the Oscar. Give me a break. It was so well done, even if one doesn’t believe in the content. Now, they are putting down his weight and they are even saying he ate Michael Moore. That was mean, okay funny, but mean. They are now accusing him of using too much electric as well! Can we talk about Anna Nicole now?

The Maven: NO, I AM SICK OF IT!!!! I HATE WHAT THE PRESS IS DOING. I am sick that our guys are getting blown up in Iraq and all the press is talking about is Anna. Let her rest. As for Al, let’s look at his electric bill in the past and let’s compare. GO AHEAD AND TALK ABOUT BUSH!

The Blonde: DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT THIS WAR!!!! ABOUT BUSH, WELL HE ... and ... but ... AND THEN…. Ya know, there is so much to talk about BUSH, I hardly know where to begin. How about we just impeach the guy and call it a day? Even the Republicans are leaning that way!

The Maven: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO ARE RUINING THEIR REPUTATIONS, the Donald needs to wear a muzzle. From the Rosie conflict to the topic of depression, he needs a better publicist to get him under control! I feel bad now for every one of his wives!

The Blonde: COME ON MAV, we met him in person. Be kind! His hair, however, did look so much… WORSE IN PERSON!

The Maven: Speaking of that meeting, it only makes ME wonder what he said behind my back!

The Blonde: I WILL NEVER TELL! Even HE knows that I am so much younger than you! Speaking of current events, why the heck is the owner of the canned food company Libby going to jail? I never got sick from any of their vegetables!

The Maven: Speaking of vegetables, the Blonde is referring to Scooter. I don’t have enough time to explain it to her, NOR do I wish to straighten out her confusion now.

The Blonde: What is wrong with scooters? They are a great source of fun for children and some adults!

The Maven: I just cannot and WILL NOT deal with this now! As I said before, this film was a little disappointing. I laughed a lot, but I expected to laugh even more. Hopefully, the DVD will have deleted scenes to fulfill my desires. I rate “Wild Hogs” a less than wild C, for the camaraderie the guys had, not for the wild humor that did not exist. However, as a fan of everyone in the film, do not hesitate to catch it on cable or DVD.

The Blonde: If you have nothing else to do, and I mean nothing else, go ahead and catch this hog of a film. It does have some sweet and fun moments so it won’t be a total loss. I rate “Wild Hogs” a C--. For your film snacks go have a rack of ribs. Better yet, to represent the guys, enjoy a Four Musketeers bar. Have fun!

The Maven: UMMM…. OK, THAT WOULD BE A Three MUSKETEERS BAR!! My work here is never done!! OH, AND SHE IS AS OLD AS I AM!

The Blonde: NOT!

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