May 21 - 27, 2004 • Vol. 24 - No. 21

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Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself
—Not a Comedy, or Perhaps It Is?

by The Blonde and the Maven
Film Columnists

In Wilbur Wants to Kills Himself, Wilbur, played by Jamie Sives, is a depressed Scottish gentleman who is constantly attempting to achieve suicide. He is saved time and time again by his loving and devoted brother Harbour, played by Adrian Rawlins (Harry Potter). Harbour runs the family bookstore, which sells eccentric and peculiar type books. Enter Alice—a shy, soft-spoken young mother, portrayed by Shirley Henderson, (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Bridget Jones’ Diary). Alice frequents the bookshop and timidly engages into a relationship with Harbour. Despite the encompassing drama of Wilbur’s suicide attempts, Harbour and Alice’s hasty marriage is not hindered. Alice’s daughter Mary (Lisa McKinley) plays an intricate part of this sweet story and manages to quickly steal the hearts of both brothers. The core of this film involves love, affection, innocent betrayal, loyalty and ends in a unique twist of fate.  

The Blonde: This movie is like Dominick and Eugene meets Crimes of the Heart meets Betrayal. When Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself first began, I found myself drifting and hoping he would get it over with quickly so that I could catch my aerobics class. That way I could lose the extra ten pounds around my waist, so I won’t wanna kill myself. But as the movie progressed, I started falling into the lives of the very likeable characters and the touching events they were going through.

The Maven: Don’t let the title prevent you from seeing this movie. It was actually a warm, human comedy. It is a pleasure to spend time in the company of these characters who are quirky, odd, kind and rather noble.

The Blonde:  Aww, how sweet you are. I even noticed you shedding a few little tears! But Maven, there was that huge part of betrayal between one of the brothers that did disturb even me, a little bit…

The Maven: No. I really don’t agree with that at all. I didn’t feel there was any real betrayal. I think it was just because the couple rushed into marriage so quickly. Does that ring any bells?

The Blonde: Ding- a- ling- a -ling… Are you referring to my quickie Las Vegas Chapel of Elvis wedding, by any chance?

The Maven: If the wedding fits, honey!

The Blonde: Yeah, but unfortunately that one didn’t fit either. By the way, what was that comment about air sticking out of her nose?

The Maven: Hair. The word was hair. I can only imagine the other words that the Scottish accent might have thrown you on. Man oh man, or should I say, blonde oh blonde. This picture appeals to the heart with its delightful cast, while not insulting the mind. I rate this movie a B+. I might even see it again.

The Blonde: No. Once was enough for me, thank you. I got it the first time. If you like a slow moving foreign film, with a lot of dialogue, you will enjoy, what’s the name of this movie again?

The Maven: You are hopeless! Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself!

The Blonde: Oh, right! I told you it made me drift! As I was trying to say, you will enjoy this tender movie. I recommend it as a lovely afternoon outing with a close girlfriend. Leave your man at home with his dinner and ball game. I give it a C+, and advise that you munch on some Twizzlers and Milk Duds, and of course, as always popcorn!

Troy—Movie-Making at its Finest


Three thousand, two hundred years ago in ancient Greece, marks the beginning of a story, based on The Iliad, an account of the Trojan War by the Greek poet Homer. The story comes to life through the vision of director Wolfgang Petersen.

Throughout time, men have waged war for power, land, religion, glory and some, for love. Troy is a movie about history’s most legendary lovers, Prince Paris, played by Orlando Bloom (Lord of the Rings) and Helen of Troy, played by Diane Kruger (Wicker Park). Their love ignites a war that will devastate Greek civilization, when Paris steals Helen away from her husband, King Menelaus, portrayed by Brendan Gleeson (Lake Placid). This insult, along with his brother Agamennos (Brian Cox, Bourne Identity) greed to rule yet another empire, starts this bloody war of power. Achilles, (Brad Pitt, Meet Joe Black and Seven not to mention Jennifer Aniston’s hubby, and an all-around sex God in his own right!) was believed to be the greatest warrior alive. Achilles has no true allegiance to anyone or anything except his own glory and his role in history.

The Blonde: This movie was like Romeo and Juliet meets Gladiator meets Cleopatra. This beautifully filmed, artistically directed movie, with its amazing cinematography, authentic set designs and costumes, thrilled and mesmerized me for close to two and a half hours. This is movie making at its finest, folks. It has it all—romance, valor, bloodshed, greed, jealousy, vengeance, noble characters, honor, integrity, great acting and of course, the many scenes with Brad Pitt nearly naked. I ponder, can you ask for anything more (perhaps less!!)? Before I go any further, can I tell you how much watching Pitt in this film makes me loathe and detest Jennifer Aniston…does that sound like envy? I mean, the girl simply has too much!

The Maven: Sounds to me more like jealousy!  I, too, was taken by this film. Most of all, I applaud the director’s choice to showcase the humanity of all the heroes.

The Blonde: By the way, did you know that this was a true story?

The Maven: Wow, you did pay attention in high school!

The Blonde: In my opinion, this movie gave Brad ‘good old fashioned movie star status,’ as opposed to just being an amazingly gorgeous actor. I also think Kruger’s amazing beauty can only be compared to Bo Derick in the movie 10.

The Maven: Beautiful she is, but because of her one-dimensional character, I am still uncertain as to her acting ability.

The Blonde: Well, whatever. I just wish I had a man in my life that would launch a thousand ships to get me back. I believe he might just launch them just to keep me there…

The Maven: I smell a supporting actor nomination for Peter O’Toole. He captured the regality of a king, as well as the love of a father for his sons.

The Blonde: Well, I smell a night of romance with me and Brad without Jen...
The Maven: In your dreams!

The Blonde: Any way I can get it is fine with me. I really fell in like with all of the characters because they were so irresistible, except for Menelaus and Agamemnon. I actually had trouble knowing who to root for. Who was the home team again?
The Maven: Me too, but I rooted for the hunky Orlando Bloom because it took courage for him to play the weak, yet handsome Prince Paris. The character starts out as a cowardly warrior, but becomes a hero as a result of his brother’s death.

The Blonde: Okay, can we talk now about the hot sex scenes?
The Maven: I don’t think our editor will allow us.
The Blonde: Well, they were great! Especially the part when….fd fdafda and dfd asfdafda  fdafdas!!!
The Maven: Oh, and don’t forget when fda with dafh dall over fdafda  da fdsa fda!! I can go on and on about all the characters because they were so perfectly cast. This was a stunning story about the perils of greed, arrogance and war. I found myself so captivated, I forgot to eat my popcorn. I give this film an A+.

The Blonde:  Bravo! I went into the theater expecting greatness. I wasn’t disappointed in the least. Troy was a brilliant, epic, masterpiece. They didn’t spare any expense in its production.  Run, and see this movie. I give it an A and you won’t need a thing to eat, with Brad to look at. Okay, maybe just a soda. By the way, what does Brad see in Jennifer Aniston anyway? I mean, take away her perfect body, perfect hair, great personality, flawless face, tons of money and fame, she’s got nothing!

The Maven: Except Brad, his perfect body, his perfect hair, his great personality, his flawless face, his tons of money and his fame.

The Blonde: Touché!
Both: Enjoy the movie!

1.  Brad Pitt stars as ‘Achilles’ in Warner Bros. Pictures’ epic action adventure Troy, also starring Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom
Photo by Alex Bailey

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