Van Helsing: More Fun
than Horror by The Maven
and The Blonde Film Columnists
Van Helsing is a fantasy movie that takes
place in a 19th century setting. Van Helsing, played by
Hugh Jackman (Kate and Leopold and X Men), was ordered
by a secret sect of the Vatican to travel to
Transylvania. Here he was to find and vanquish the
villainous Count Dracula. He meets up with Anna
Valerious, played by the beautiful Kate Beckinsale
(Pearl Harbor and Underworld). Valerious is
the bitter heir of a long-reigning royal family,
tormented by a curse involving Dracula (Richard
Roxenburgh). She is committed to hunting down and
destroying the Count so that her family can be set free
from purgatory, and, at long last, enter into the
kingdom of heaven.
The Blonde:
Van Helsing was like Raiders of the Lost Ark meets
Frankenstein, Jekyll and Hyde, the Wolfman and Count
Dracula. I found this movie fun to watch. It has
continuous action, creative special effects and wit. Not
to mention that Hugh and Kate both had hot bodies. I
have a hot body too, but it comes now in flashes, and
not of the Janet Jackson variety. However, I am too
young to personally now about that yet! The
Maven: Well, I’m not! Now, about the movie. Van
Helsing recreates the horror movie genre without
offending sensitive moviegoers. The brief moments of
humor soften any actual horror the monsters would
elicit. Mr. Hyde, especially, displayed wit at the
oddest moments. The Blonde: I
enjoyed all the characters including the monsters. I
personally related to all the horror, shock, evil,
wickedness, irrational temperament, and spitefulness
they brought to the screen. I share a house with two
teenage girls suffering from P.M.S. Need I say more? By
the way, Maven, is Transylvania a development in
Boca? The Maven: No, I think, you’re
thinking of South Beach! The Blonde:
Oh! On a critical note, I didn’t feel that Van Helsing’s
character was defined as well as it should have
been. The writer left me with too many unanswered
questions. Who is he? Where did he come from? How did he
get his super strength? The Maven:
Did it really matter once he took his shirt
off? The Blonde: When you put it
that way, no, it didn’t; you’re right! I did feel,
however, the very best part of this film was the
brilliant music score, written by the incomparable Alan
Silvestri. It was enthralling, exciting and truly pulled
me into the movie. I feel the need to discuss one more
issue: the clothes. I would have been
totally frustrated making a two-hour and
twenty-five minute movie sporting the same outfit
throughout the entire filming. I know for a fact that
Cher and Madonna would feel the same way… The
Maven: Hey, wait a minute! Doesn’t a man
turning into a werewolf count as a costume
change? The Blonde: Not to Bob
Mackee! Before I forget, didn’ the guy who played
the friar sound exactly like C.P.R. from Star
Wars? The Maven: That was,
C3PO. I am starting to really worry about you! To
wrap it up, I felt the screenwriter and director,
Stephen Sommers, did justice to the ‘ole time classic
horror movies. This was significant to him, as he
dedicatedthis movie to his father, who so loved these
films. I rate Van Helsing a solid B. The
Blonde: If you’re looking for an
enjoyable night at the movies, go see this one. It won’t
tax your brain,—unlike the I.R.S.—so you can just sit
back, relax and have a few laughs. I recommend some
popcorn and peanut M&Ms for this one. Not a
brilliant piece of art, but entertaining. I rate this
film a sold C.
New York Minute —The Time One Should
Spend Watching this Movie
New
York Minute was a wannabe action- comedy. It’s a tale
about a complex day in the lives of opposite twins, Jane
and Roxanne Ryan, played by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
(Full House, It Takes Two, and just about everything
else from Walmart to their own magazine). Their journey
all begins when they leave their Long Island home to
head for the Big Apple. Roxanne’s (Mary-Kate) goal was
to get backstage at the band Simple Plan’s music video
shoot. She wanted the opportunity to give them her
music demo. Jane’s (Ashley) purpose in the city was to
deliver her speech to qualify her for a scholarship to
the prestigious College of Oxford, in
England. Immediately after arriving in New York,
the twins find themselves innocently dragged into a
video black market ring. In addition to that weak plot
line, the girls are pursued by truancy officer Lomax,
played by Eugene Levy (American Pie and Best in Show).
He is obsessed with catching Roxy in the act of ditching
school. Unlike her over-achiever sister, this is the
norm for Roxy, who dreams of becoming a famous rocker.
Because of the numerous dilemmas they experience in New
York, the adversarial twins finally learn to enjoy and
appreciate their differences. How’s that for an original
ending?
The Blonde: New York
Minute was like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off meets the old
Patty Duke Show meets What’s Up Doc? I went to this
movie prepared to think that it was going to be stupid
and bad. I was pleasantly surprised to find out just how
accurate I was! To say New York Minute was
predictable would even be an insult to the blondest of
all blondes. This movie should have been titled, New
York Second. The Maven: Wait a minute, no pun
intended. I doubt this film was made with our
demographics in mind. The Blonde:
What does Florida have to do with a dumb
movie? The Maven: I was referring to
age, not location. The Blonde: What,
you think I look older than 15, 16, ok, 17? The
twins are truly adorable and beautiful. I won’t take
that away from them. There is, however, something that
does remain to be seen. With all their acting
experience, I still haven’t had the opportunity to know
if the girls can even act at all. Even they deserve a
shot at a good script! The Maven: I
did laugh, a little. There were some cute moments. It
was cheerfully disconnected from reality...and,
and...? The Blonde: Yeah, so was my
dental appointment to get my root canal! Even that was
funnier… Well, maybe this picture was the twins'’ karma
for being raised by rich Grandfather
Hilton. The Maven: You are kidding
me, right? You do know that you are referring to the
Hilton sisters, Paris and Nikki. The
Blonde: There were two sets of Hilton
twins? The Maven: No, one set of
Hilton sisters and one set of Olsen twins. Oy vey, and
you think the movie was stupid? The
Blonde: Whatever! Anyway, I found it
interesting that Levy played the exact type of character
that he portrayed in Splash. Neither character was very
likeable, until the end. Just an
observation. The Maven: Now Splash,
there’s a worthwhile movie classic to
see. The Blonde: Totally! The only
thing I can say nice about New York Minute was that the
musical guest appearance by Simple Plan was great and
that the film was directed and shot well. I felt that I
deserved an entire chocolate, chocolate fudge
cake when I got home for sitting through this poor
comedy. I did, and that was the best part of my evening.
I give it a rating of D - -. One minus for
each twin. Stay home, miss this flick and eat
cake! The Maven: You overlooked the
adorable dog that stole the movie. I look forward to
seeing the little pooch’s future Hollywood endeavors. I
rate New York Minute a resounding D. Can I have a piece
of your cake now? The Blonde: No, I
finished it!
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