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Mar 07, 2006
 Ultraviolet¬—Neither Ultra nor Violet…Just Ultra Terrible
 by The Blonde and The Maven

The writer and director of Ultraviolet is Kurt Wimmer, who previously wrote The Recruit and the screenplay for The Thomas Crown Affair. During the opening credits, you see what appears to be scenes from a comic book series. Dont be fooled! Although much of the film wants you to believe it is based on Japanese animae and fast-paced video games, its not (although a video game is sure to follow soon).

The story takes place in the 21st century. A genetically engineered virus has gotten loose in the population. Society becomes paranoid and germ-phobic and the infected people are isolated and never heard from again. Some manage to escape the labs they were being held in and experimented on. These survivors are called Hemophages. They have advanced speed, incredible stamina and acute intelligence. They are organized into an army of sorts and are very well equipped with weaponry. Because of this, the government declares them a menace to society and becomes bent on wiping them out. One rogue warrior is Violet, played by Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil and The Fifth Element). She doesnt like humans and sets out to destroy a government designed time-bomb that is reputed to be able to destroy the Hemophages. To Violet’s, surprise the time-bomb turns out to be a 9-year-old boy named Six, played by Cameron Bright (Godsend and Birth).

Of course not everything is as simple as it appears, but who cares! Violet looks great no matter what she is doing.
The Blonde: OH DEAR… I JUST DON’T THINK I CAN HANDLE ANOTHER BAD, BAD, BAD FILM! Ultraviolet was like Aeon Flux, Tron, Kill Bill and The Matrix, only a far worse version! Man, I don’t have time to waste like this! This film had the potential of having a decent tale to tell, but they unfortunately didn’t have the writing talents to pull it off! Besides the fact that this is the worst script I have seen in years, Milla looked beautiful…REALLY BEAUTIFUL! Her skin was flawless, her belly button was perfect, her hair was gorgeous (in every color), and her figure was amazing (especially in leather). This is a girl you just have to hate! Other than that, I have nothing to say about this film.
The Maven: Since I hate to speak ill of anyone, I will mention the good things I like about this movie. I loved the hyper-real look all the characters have, thanks to the high definition format the film was shot in. If all movies could be shot this way, actors would not need plastic surgery to look so well! The fight scenes and stunt work were good too. Thats all I could come up with. The dialogue was so appalling, its a wonder the actors could keep a straight face. Was there a cinematographer on site? Perhaps I am just spoiled by all of the ‘Oscar worthy’ films I have seen recently. Also, could Milla have a better body? Between Charlize and her, no one looks good! Do you think her wardrobe was painted on her body?
The Blonde: No, some of us just have a perfect bod!!! Can we move on now??  Let’s talk about Anna Nicole Smith and her trial that has gone to the Supreme Court. YOU GO, NICOLE! Or, we can even talk about the dispute between Trump and Martha. NOT TO SMART Marthhhh! Or for heavens sake, let’s talk about how Cheney didn’t shoot anybody this week. Well, at least accidentally! Or THE 78th annual OSCARS, FOR HEAVENS SAKE! By the way, I was in New York this week and I saw the most amazing musical, The Color Purple!  Readers, run to see this brilliant, thrilling, sensitive, wonderful Broadway show if you have the opportunity to. Don’t miss it.
The Maven: What can we say about Anna? She did look good walking into the Supreme Court! As far as Trump and Martha, her daughter is a NOBODY and hasn’t earned the right to speak that way about Donald! Shame on Martha for allowing it. Now as far as the Oscars….
The Blonde: WOW, do you believe the major upset of the night, that Brokeback lost out to Crash? I have to tell you, I loved Crash, but I don’t think most people have even seen it. They will now. There is much to learn about human nature from this film. I do feel bad for Brokeback, though. It was a stunning piece of work.
The Maven: I’m not sure how Brokeback could win so many awards and be denied the final best picture award, but I always enjoy an upset. It was as if Crash intercepted the best thrown football ever by the Brokeback quarterback.
The Blonde: Speaking of feeling bad, what was Sandra Bullock thinking when she left her house with that hairstyle? Did she intercept her hairdresser from helping her? It was dreadful. I think she is lovely, but why didn’t she leave her hair down, straight and elegant.  She looked like she just got out of bed.
The Maven: Maybe she looked great when she left, but when Keanu picked her up on his Harley, he didn’t have a helmet to fit her?
The Blonde: Talking about dress disasters, what was up with Charlize Theron’s taste this year? It was such an ugly dress that it totally clashed with her beauty. I don’t even want to talk about her hair!
The Maven: Thank Christian Dior for that blunder.
The Blonde: I do have to mention that I thought Jon Stewart did a wonderful job. Yes, he is funnier than he displayed, but they had his hands tied. I am sure he had to stifle most of the jokes he had in his head…but, maybe next year they will grant him more creative freedom.
The Maven: Can we not be so catty and mention the best dressed ladies of the night?
The Blonde:  Okay, let’s talk about George Clooney. Is he gorgeous or what? He is so unbelievably handsome. What a hunk!  What a babe. His tux was perfect, but it was him that made it look that way. Tom Hanks looked simply wonderful and I liked his hair. Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson looked strikingly terrific as well.
The Blonde: Just because they don’t wear gowns IN PUBLIC doesn’t mean we can’t talk about them. Fine then… I loved, loved, loved Ziyi Zhang’s gown; simply elegant. Jessica Alba looked like a dream. No woman should look that good or skinny! I also loved Naomi Watts’ look. I have to mention how adorable Rachel Weitz looked pregnant. Well done. I don’t even have to describe how beautiful Salma Hayek looked and ALWAYS does.
The Maven:  My favorites were Jessica Alba, Reese Witherspoon, Michelle Williams, and Ziyi Zhang.
The Blonde: Yeah, but what about Clooney?
The Maven: Yeah, I did think he was hot!
The Blonde: I was happy to see the Academy honoring Robert Altman. Now that was an honor long overdue! By the way, I thought the opening of the show was very clever. They tried to make this year’s ceremony a bit more playful than in the past. 
The Maven:  I hope Jon had some influence in that. I like him so much and it was nice to hear that Ebert, Roeper, and Spielberg agree.
The Blonde: All in all, it was a successful Oscar evening. There were only a couple of awards I had trouble accepting. But, I will be nice. OR NOT…Best Actress…
The Maven: DOWN BLONDE. And weren’t we reviewing Ultraviolet?
The Blonde: AHHH. YOU WERE! Do we have to continue?
The Maven: YES, we have to. There is an audience for this movie. All those who like movies that have been based on a video game will enjoy the action and futuristic weapons in this film. The writing deserves a D, but I really did like the way Violet looked and moved. I don’t recommend this move for anyone under 14 or over 20. For a better Kurt Wimmer film, go rent Equilibrium.
The Blonde: Sorry, this film has me at a loss for words or comments. It is not worth the ink. But she was pretty! I rate Ultraviolet a D-. I won’t even insult the food snacks by recommending any. Miss this film! Stay home and watch the Weather Channel. Even that is less boring than this film. Better yet, go play some video games.


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