Mar
07, 2006 Ultraviolet¬—Neither Ultra nor
Violet…Just Ultra Terrible by The Blonde and
The Maven
The writer and director
of Ultraviolet is Kurt Wimmer, who previously wrote The Recruit and
the screenplay for The Thomas Crown Affair. During the opening
credits, you see what appears to be scenes from a comic book series.
Dont be fooled! Although much of the film wants you to believe it is
based on Japanese animae and fast-paced video games, its not
(although a video game is sure to follow soon).
The story
takes place in the 21st century. A genetically engineered virus has
gotten loose in the population. Society becomes paranoid and
germ-phobic and the infected people are isolated and never heard
from again. Some manage to escape the labs they were being held in
and experimented on. These survivors are called Hemophages. They
have advanced speed, incredible stamina and acute intelligence. They
are organized into an army of sorts and are very well equipped with
weaponry. Because of this, the government declares them a menace to
society and becomes bent on wiping them out. One rogue warrior is
Violet, played by Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil and The Fifth
Element). She doesnt like humans and sets out to destroy a
government designed time-bomb that is reputed to be able to destroy
the Hemophages. To Violet’s, surprise the time-bomb turns out to be
a 9-year-old boy named Six, played by Cameron Bright (Godsend and
Birth).
Of course not everything is as simple as it appears,
but who cares! Violet looks great no matter what she is
doing.
The Blonde: OH DEAR… I JUST DON’T THINK I CAN
HANDLE ANOTHER BAD, BAD, BAD FILM! Ultraviolet was like Aeon Flux,
Tron, Kill Bill and The Matrix, only a far worse version! Man, I
don’t have time to waste like this! This film had the potential of
having a decent tale to tell, but they unfortunately didn’t have the
writing talents to pull it off! Besides the fact that this is the
worst script I have seen in years, Milla looked beautiful…REALLY
BEAUTIFUL! Her skin was flawless, her belly button was perfect, her
hair was gorgeous (in every color), and her figure was amazing
(especially in leather). This is a girl you just have to hate! Other
than that, I have nothing to say about this film.
The
Maven: Since I hate to speak ill of anyone, I will mention the good
things I like about this movie. I loved the hyper-real look all the
characters have, thanks to the high definition format the film was
shot in. If all movies could be shot this way, actors would not need
plastic surgery to look so well! The fight scenes and stunt work
were good too. Thats all I could come up with. The dialogue was so
appalling, its a wonder the actors could keep a straight face. Was
there a cinematographer on site? Perhaps I am just spoiled by all of
the ‘Oscar worthy’ films I have seen recently. Also, could Milla
have a better body? Between Charlize and her, no one looks good! Do
you think her wardrobe was painted on her body?
The
Blonde: No, some of us just have a perfect bod!!! Can we move on
now?? Let’s talk about Anna Nicole Smith and her trial that
has gone to the Supreme Court. YOU GO, NICOLE! Or, we can even talk
about the dispute between Trump and Martha. NOT TO SMART Marthhhh!
Or for heavens sake, let’s talk about how Cheney didn’t shoot
anybody this week. Well, at least accidentally! Or THE 78th annual
OSCARS, FOR HEAVENS SAKE! By the way, I was in New York this week
and I saw the most amazing musical, The Color Purple! Readers,
run to see this brilliant, thrilling, sensitive, wonderful Broadway
show if you have the opportunity to. Don’t miss it.
The
Maven: What can we say about Anna? She did look good walking into
the Supreme Court! As far as Trump and Martha, her daughter is a
NOBODY and hasn’t earned the right to speak that way about Donald!
Shame on Martha for allowing it. Now as far as the
Oscars….
The Blonde: WOW, do you believe the major
upset of the night, that Brokeback lost out to Crash? I have to tell
you, I loved Crash, but I don’t think most people have even seen it.
They will now. There is much to learn about human nature from this
film. I do feel bad for Brokeback, though. It was a stunning piece
of work.
The Maven: I’m not sure how Brokeback could
win so many awards and be denied the final best picture award, but I
always enjoy an upset. It was as if Crash intercepted the best
thrown football ever by the Brokeback quarterback.
The
Blonde: Speaking of feeling bad, what was Sandra Bullock thinking
when she left her house with that hairstyle? Did she intercept her
hairdresser from helping her? It was dreadful. I think she is
lovely, but why didn’t she leave her hair down, straight and
elegant. She looked like she just got out of bed.
The Maven: Maybe she looked great when she left, but
when Keanu picked her up on his Harley, he didn’t have a helmet to
fit her?
The Blonde: Talking about dress disasters,
what was up with Charlize Theron’s taste this year? It was such an
ugly dress that it totally clashed with her beauty. I don’t even
want to talk about her hair!
The Maven: Thank
Christian Dior for that blunder.
The Blonde: I do have
to mention that I thought Jon Stewart did a wonderful job. Yes, he
is funnier than he displayed, but they had his hands tied. I am sure
he had to stifle most of the jokes he had in his head…but, maybe
next year they will grant him more creative
freedom.
The Maven: Can we not be so catty and mention
the best dressed ladies of the night?
The
Blonde: Okay, let’s talk about George Clooney. Is he gorgeous
or what? He is so unbelievably handsome. What a hunk! What a
babe. His tux was perfect, but it was him that made it look that
way. Tom Hanks looked simply wonderful and I liked his hair. Dustin
Hoffman and Jack Nicholson looked strikingly terrific as
well.
The Maven: I WAS HOPING TO TALK ABOUT THE
LADIES’ GOWNS BUT, AS USUAL, YOU HAVE MEN ON YOUR MIND!
The Blonde: Just because they don’t wear gowns IN
PUBLIC doesn’t mean we can’t talk about them. Fine then… I loved,
loved, loved Ziyi Zhang’s gown; simply elegant. Jessica Alba looked
like a dream. No woman should look that good or skinny! I also loved
Naomi Watts’ look. I have to mention how adorable Rachel Weitz
looked pregnant. Well done. I don’t even have to describe how
beautiful Salma Hayek looked and ALWAYS does.
The
Maven: My favorites were Jessica Alba, Reese Witherspoon,
Michelle Williams, and Ziyi Zhang.
The Blonde: Yeah,
but what about Clooney?
The Maven: Yeah, I did think he
was hot!
The Blonde: I was happy to see the Academy
honoring Robert Altman. Now that was an honor long overdue! By the
way, I thought the opening of the show was very clever. They tried
to make this year’s ceremony a bit more playful than in the
past.
The Maven: I hope Jon had some
influence in that. I like him so much and it was nice to hear that
Ebert, Roeper, and Spielberg agree.
The Blonde: All in
all, it was a successful Oscar evening. There were only a couple of
awards I had trouble accepting. But, I will be nice. OR NOT…Best
Actress…
The Maven: DOWN BLONDE. And weren’t we
reviewing Ultraviolet?
The Blonde: AHHH. YOU WERE! Do
we have to continue?
The Maven: YES, we have to. There
is an audience for this movie. All those who like movies that have
been based on a video game will enjoy the action and futuristic
weapons in this film. The writing deserves a D, but I really did
like the way Violet looked and moved. I don’t recommend this move
for anyone under 14 or over 20. For a better Kurt Wimmer film, go
rent Equilibrium.
The Blonde: Sorry, this film has me
at a loss for words or comments. It is not worth the ink. But she
was pretty! I rate Ultraviolet a D-. I won’t even insult the food
snacks by recommending any. Miss this film! Stay home and watch the
Weather Channel. Even that is less boring than this film. Better
yet, go play some video games.
