The Longest Yard —Perhaps
a Foot, or Even a Mile by
The Maven and The Blonde Film Columnists
For
those who didn't see the original 1974 film of the same
name, the hero of The Longest Yard is Paul Crewe, played
by Adam Sandler (50 First Dates and Waterboy). He was an
MVP quarterback who was booted from the NFL for his part
in a point-shaving scandal. After a drunken joyride
ending in a multi-car crash in his girlfriend’s Bentley,
(now obviously his ex-girlfriend), he is arrested and
lands in a scary Texas prison. Poor Paul has to endure
some serious abuse from inmates and prison guards.
Warden Hazen, portrayed by James Cromwell (Babe and Sum
of All Fears) convinces Paul (with a touch of blackmail)
to form a football team of inmates to play a team of
guards. All good heroes need a sidekick, so enter Chris
Rock (Dogma and Heaven Can Wait) as Caretaker, a
wise-cracking enterprising con. Helping Paul and
Caretaker is Coach Nate Scarborough, starring the
original 1974 Paul Crewe, Burt Reynolds (Heat and Best
Friends). Wrestling fans will be happy to see Bill
Goldberg, Kevin Nash and Steve Austin. Football fans
will be entertained by Bill Romanowski and Brian
Bosworth. Rap fans will see Nelly, playing the role of
Megget, a con who makes for a really good running back.
Cloris Leachman (“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and
Spanglish) plays Lynette, the Warden’s oversexed
secretary. Peter Segal not only directed this film with
Adam Sandler, but they also worked together on 50 First
Dates and Anger Management. Go and see just how LONG a
YARD can be dragged out!
The
Blonde: I want you movie fans to know that, just to get
through writing this review, I am eating a bucket of
popcorn as bribery to myself! This film was as hard to
watch as a losing Dolphins season! Having said that, The
Longest Yard was like the original Longest Yard (only
NOT AS GOOD) meets Any Given Sunday meets Meet the
Titans meets Friday Night Lights meets all the other
football movies, only NOT AS GOOD! I did like the very
first scene with the cops, because it's what we all
would just love to do, but have enough sense to 'NOT'!
Maven, what do you think of the Paris Hilton commercial
for Carl's Hamburgers and all the hoopla surrounding it?
I don't think it was THAT over the TOP and BOTTOM
literally… she did look great! I bet they WILL sell more
burgers!
The
Maven: I like it AND the controversy surrounding it!
Back to the film, since there will always be comparisons
between remakes, I may as well add one or two of my own.
Burt Reynolds was perfectly cast in the original as Paul
Crewe, Adam Sandler is NOT! Having said that, I still
enjoyed Adam in this film, just don't compare him to
Burt. Adam's Paul is not as gritty as Burt's was. No
matter how many Adam Sandler movies I see, I can never
forget it’s Adam on the screen. His personality always
shows through. For me, that's not a bad thing; I like
him.
The
Blonde: About Adam Sandler…I like him, I REALLY, REALLY
LIKE HIM, but, you need to get real here, Adam. He needs
to break away from the same EXACT formula he follows in
every single film he does. Sander ALWAYS plays the poor,
likeable, underdog who overcomes ALL the impossible odds
and wins in the end for a happy ending with a big bow on
the top! It kind of makes you more nauseous than a
bucket of popcorn with extra butter! Speaking of
nauseous, pregnant Britney Spears is having a
boy!
Review continued on bottom
The
Maven: I watched the Britney and Kevin show on MTV and I
was SO NOT impressed! She's an absolute fool to have
made this “reality” show and she and Kevin are NO Nick
and Jessica! I think the more people see of Kevin the
more she will look like a bimbo! I'm just plain
embarrassed for her!
The
Blonde: More than her marrying a guy for 10 minutes? I
don't want to be mean, (okay, maybe I do) but didn't
Burt Reynolds look like a cross between Billy Bob
Thornton, Sean Connery and Joan Rivers? Maybe they all
use the same plastic surgeon or something! Speaking of
things that aren't real, Maven, have you heard that
Viagra may cause BLINDNESS! Does this mean that our
mothers could be right about sex after all! I hate when
our mothers are right, especially about sex!
The
Maven: I'm not touching that one!
The
Blonde: Good, then you WON'T GO BLIND! I was surprised
to see Courtney Cox Arquette take such a small role in a
film!
The
Maven: Well, the role may have been small, but we got to
see A LOT, A LOT of her! If you don't like Adam Sandler
or Chris Rock, you probably won't enjoy this film. The
football scenes are good, but I'm sticking with the
original. I rate this movie a C- for crunchingly
realistic tackles.
The
Blonde: I was in two chairs today that I wasn't happy
about sitting in. The first was sitting in the dentist’s
chair getting a root canal. The other was sitting
through The Longest Yard! I don't know which one I
disliked more! If you happen to be a
football-aholic who is depressed and desperately missing
the football season, and perhaps even drunk, than you
might just enjoy this film. As for the rest of us, (and
I like football as much as the next blonde) you can
really throw a touchdown PASS on this one. Go play
Madden video football instead! I rate The Longest
Yard (which seems more like a mile) a D for DEFEND
yourself and don't go! For your snacks, I suggest some
beer, peanuts, pizza and pretzels like you do at home,
watching Sunday football games!
KICKOFF! PHOTO
IDS 1. After landing in prison, former
pro quarterback Paul Crewe (Adam Sandler, right) calls
upon coach Nate Scarborough (Burt Reynolds, center) and
Caretaker (Chris Rock, left) to help him field a
football team of inmates to take on the guards in a
bone-crushing showdown where anything goes in the comedy
The Longest Yard Photo by Tracy
Bennett
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