June 24 - 30, 2005• Vol. 26 - No. 25

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The Honeymooners—A Perfect Example
of Why Originals Should be Kept Untouched

by The Maven and The Blonde
Film Columnists

A funny thing happened on the way to this film. The Blonde and the Maven originally set out to review High Tension. Upon realizing this was more of a snuff film rather than a quality horror movie, for the very first time reviewing a film, we proudly admit that we walked out! We demand you not see this horrible horror film! Now, for this week's second choice review…The Honeymooners.
Like the original show this is based on, The Honeymooners’ main character is a New York bus driver who tries to profit from some stupid get rich quick ideas that never seem to work out for him. Ralph Kramden, played by Cedric the Entertainer (Big Momma's House and Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events), is a big guy with big dreams and a small mind. His wife Alice, played by Gabrielle Union (Bad Boys 2 and Deliver Us From Eva), tries to keep him grounded, but doesn't always know what plans he is hatching.Ralph's friend and cohort is Ed Norton, portrayed by Mike Epps (All About the Benjamins and Resident Evil) a sewer worker who is even more dumb than Ralph is (if that is possible)! Ed's wife is Trixie, (Regina Hall, Malibu's Most Wanted and Scary Movie 1, 2 and 3). Alice and Trixie work as waitresses in a diner where they meet business realtor William Davis, (Eric Stoltz, The Butterfly Effect and Grace of my Heart). Davis is attempting to buy a duplex that Alice and Trixie want (for their dream home). Unfortunately, the money Alice thinks is in the bank to purchase this duplex is long gone, thanks to one of Ralph's schemes. Hoping to return that money, Ralph enters a dog (that he and Ed find in a dumpster) in a derby race. This dog just happens to be a greyhound that can REALLY run (how convenient)! Of course, Ralph has to hire a trainer for the dog because the dog is afraid of the track. Enter the shady Dodge, played by John Lequizamo (Assault on Precinct 13 and Moulin Rouge). Hey! We didn't write this dumb story. Don't blame the messenger or the reviewers! It took four people to come up with this stuff! YES, FOUR!  
The Blonde: The Honeymooners was like (BUT NOT REALLY) “The Honeymooners” television series meets Dumb and Dumber meets “The Odd Couple” meets “I Love Lucy” meets “The Flintstones.” Moviegoers, if you're looking to go down memory lane and revisit the beloved Ralph, Norton, Alice and Trixie, you surely will be disappointed! This modern-day Honeymooners is ONLY the same in the characters’ names and jobs, (except for the ladies who didn't work in the original). I first thought I might have hated this film because of our earlier horror experience. After pondering that thought for a while, I realized NO, this one was just BAD all by itself!

The Maven: A bus accident would have been funnier than this “update” of “The Honeymooners.” What's really hard to believe is that it took four writers to come up with this story. As a stand-up comedian, I have always enjoyed Cedric the Entertainer, but I think he left his FUNNY at home! Jackie Gleason's Ralph Kramden had a heart. He may have been a shlub, but he was an endearing, everyman type of shlub. Cedric's Ralph was selfish, stupid, and slightly shady. Who wants to identify with that?

The Blonde: My ex-husband! If the series was as bad as this film, it would have lasted maybe two episodes. Jackie Gleason and Art Carney must be rolling over in their graves from this film and how their wonderfully colorful characters were portrayed. I have to give this movie SOME credit though…IT WAS THE WORST FILM I HAVE SEEN THIS YEAR so far. I would have walked out of this one too, but it wouldn't be fair to walk out of TWO films in ONE night!

The Maven: Ya know, Blonde, about three quarters of the way through this film (after a brief nap), I found myself wondering how that French girl in High Tension was doing! It wasn't until John Lequizamo showed up that I could actually watch The Honeymooners.

Story continued on bottom


The Blonde: I'm glad you had something that helped get YOU through it, for I was all alone on this one! I was almost thinking we shouldn't have walked out of High Tension and walked out on this one instead. Either way, it was a lose/lose situation for us. It's not fair to lay blame for this pitiful film on the actors, as they did a fine job (I suppose). I think the writing was so bad it unfortunately left all the mud on the actors’ faces, though. Actors are always blamed, aren't they?

The Maven:  Blonde, what was going on with all those heavy sighs you were making during both films?

The Blonde: I got out of a blind date using our review as an excuse and, while sitting in the theater, I realized I made the wrong choice!

The Maven: NO, it sounded like you were in pain!

The Blonde: Yeah, HE'S A PLASTIC SURGEON! I blew it!

The Maven: Hey, did you hear that Madonna is going to be opening up a Kabbalah Hotel and drop-in spiritual center in London that she just purchased for $14 million?

The Blonde: How do you go from MY lost plastic surgeon to Madonna?

The Maven: I don't know. This movie bored me so much that I didn't want to go back to talking about it!

The Blonde: Okay, me too! Did you know Madonna just came out with her fifth book in her children's books series called, Lotsa de Casha? I have to be honest, her books are wonderfully charming and sweet. I bought them all for my child. I should have stayed home tonight and read them all again instead of seeing this ridiculous film!

The Maven: Let’s suffer through it and finish our review.

The Blonde: DO WE HAVE TO? Can't we just NOT and talk about Michael Jackson and all the not-guiltystuff instead?

The Maven: AS TEMPTING AS THAT MIGHT BE…NO!  I recommend you skip this movie and stay home to watch paint dry! I rate this film a D and only because I liked the dog!

The Blonde: You can SKIP, run or jump…just DON'T go see this poor excuse of a film! It is truly an insult to the memory of this legendary television series! I rate The Honeymooners, a D- -! I recommend that you stay home and, after the paint is dry, rent the DVD of the REAL deal. If you must go, I recommend for your snacks, stopping off at Starbuck's and picking up some of their delicious CRUMB cake to go with this crumby film!

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