The Honeymooners—A Perfect
of Why Originals Should be Kept
Maven and The Blonde
funny thing happened on the way to this film. The Blonde
and the Maven originally set out to review High Tension.
Upon realizing this was more of a snuff film rather than
a quality horror movie, for the very first time
reviewing a film, we proudly admit that we walked out!
We demand you not see this horrible horror film! Now,
for this week's second choice review…The Honeymooners.
Like the original show this is based on,
The Honeymooners’ main character is a New York bus
driver who tries to profit from some stupid get rich
quick ideas that never seem to work out for him. Ralph
Kramden, played by Cedric the Entertainer (Big Momma's
House and Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate
Events), is a big guy with big dreams and a small mind.
His wife Alice, played by Gabrielle Union (Bad Boys 2
and Deliver Us From Eva), tries to keep him grounded,
but doesn't always know what plans he is
hatching.Ralph's friend and cohort is Ed Norton,
portrayed by Mike Epps (All About the Benjamins and
Resident Evil) a sewer worker who is even more dumb than
Ralph is (if that is possible)! Ed's wife is Trixie,
(Regina Hall, Malibu's Most Wanted and Scary Movie 1, 2
and 3). Alice and Trixie work as waitresses in a diner
where they meet business realtor William Davis, (Eric
Stoltz, The Butterfly Effect and Grace of my Heart).
Davis is attempting to buy a duplex that Alice and
Trixie want (for their dream home). Unfortunately, the
money Alice thinks is in the bank to purchase this
duplex is long gone, thanks to one of Ralph's schemes.
Hoping to return that money, Ralph enters a dog (that he
and Ed find in a dumpster) in a derby race. This dog
just happens to be a greyhound that can REALLY run (how
convenient)! Of course, Ralph has to hire a trainer for
the dog because the dog is afraid of the track. Enter
the shady Dodge, played by John Lequizamo (Assault on
Precinct 13 and Moulin Rouge). Hey! We didn't write this
dumb story. Don't blame the messenger or the reviewers!
It took four people to come up with this stuff! YES,
The Blonde: The Honeymooners
was like (BUT NOT REALLY) “The Honeymooners” television
series meets Dumb and Dumber meets “The Odd Couple”
meets “I Love Lucy” meets “The Flintstones.” Moviegoers,
if you're looking to go down memory lane and revisit the
beloved Ralph, Norton, Alice and Trixie, you surely will
be disappointed! This modern-day Honeymooners is ONLY
the same in the characters’ names and jobs, (except for
the ladies who didn't work in the original). I first
thought I might have hated this film because of our
earlier horror experience. After pondering that thought
for a while, I realized NO, this one was just BAD all by
Maven: A bus accident would have been funnier than this
“update” of “The Honeymooners.” What's really hard to
believe is that it took four writers to come up with
this story. As a stand-up comedian, I have always
enjoyed Cedric the Entertainer, but I think he left his
FUNNY at home! Jackie Gleason's Ralph Kramden had a
heart. He may have been a shlub, but he was an
endearing, everyman type of shlub. Cedric's Ralph was
selfish, stupid, and slightly shady. Who wants to
identify with that?
Blonde: My ex-husband! If the series was as bad as this
film, it would have lasted maybe two episodes. Jackie
Gleason and Art Carney must be rolling over in their
graves from this film and how their wonderfully colorful
characters were portrayed. I have to give this movie
SOME credit though…IT WAS THE WORST FILM I HAVE SEEN
THIS YEAR so far. I would have walked out of this one
too, but it wouldn't be fair to walk out of TWO films in
Maven: Ya know, Blonde, about three quarters of the way
through this film (after a brief nap), I found myself
wondering how that French girl in High Tension was
doing! It wasn't until John Lequizamo showed up that I
could actually watch The Honeymooners.
Story continued on bottom
Blonde: I'm glad you had something that helped get YOU
through it, for I was all alone on this one! I was
almost thinking we shouldn't have walked out of High
Tension and walked out on this one instead. Either way,
it was a lose/lose situation for us. It's not fair to
lay blame for this pitiful film on the actors, as they
did a fine job (I suppose). I think the writing was so
bad it unfortunately left all the mud on the actors’
faces, though. Actors are always blamed, aren't they?
Maven: Blonde, what was going on with all those
heavy sighs you were making during both
Blonde: I got out of a blind date using our review as an
excuse and, while sitting in the theater, I realized I
made the wrong choice!
Maven: NO, it sounded like you were in pain!
Blonde: Yeah, HE'S A PLASTIC SURGEON! I blew it!
Maven: Hey, did you hear that Madonna is going to be
opening up a Kabbalah Hotel and drop-in spiritual center
in London that she just purchased for $14
Blonde: How do you go from MY lost plastic surgeon to
Maven: I don't know. This movie bored me so much that I
didn't want to go back to talking about it!
Blonde: Okay, me too! Did you know Madonna just came out
with her fifth book in her children's books series
called, Lotsa de Casha? I have to be honest, her books
are wonderfully charming and sweet. I bought them all
for my child. I should have stayed home tonight and read
them all again instead of seeing this ridiculous film!
Maven: Let’s suffer through it and finish our
Blonde: DO WE HAVE TO? Can't we just NOT and talk about
Michael Jackson and all the not-guiltystuff
Maven: AS TEMPTING AS THAT MIGHT BE…NO! I
recommend you skip this movie and stay home to watch
paint dry! I rate this film a D and only because I liked
Blonde: You can SKIP, run or jump…just DON'T go see this
poor excuse of a film! It is truly an insult to the
memory of this legendary television series! I rate The
Honeymooners, a D- -! I recommend that you stay home
and, after the paint is dry, rent the DVD of the REAL
deal. If you must go, I recommend for your snacks,
stopping off at Starbuck's and picking up some of their
delicious CRUMB cake to go with this crumby film!
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