Star Wars: Revenge of the
—Perhaps the Star-iest War-iest Episode of Them
by The Blonde
and The Maven
For all you die-hard Star Wars fans, just
skip this part of our review as YOU have most likely
already seen the film ten times and camped out in those
ridiculous lines. For those of you who are waiting for
the crowds to dissipate, here's the review from The
Blonde and The Maven.
remember everything that transpired in the two previous
films of this trilogy. Politics of the Republic are a
bit confusing because Senator Palpatine controls the
Clone Army as well as the enemy Troid Army he secretly
controls as Darth Siddeus. Ian McDiarmid (Great
Expectations and Sleepy Hollow) portrays each character
with sinister brilliance. Hayden Christensen (Life is a
House) returns as Anakin Skywalker, whose frustration
with the Jedi council is fed by Senator Palpatine, who
continues to lead Anakin closer to the dark side of the
force. To further anger Anakin, he is experiencing
premonitions concerning his secret wife, Padmé Amidala,
who is now pregnant. He wants to protect her from the
danger he sees in these dreams, as he fears she will die
like his mother. Meanwhile, Senator Palpatine is also
preparing to turn the Republic against the Jedi Knights,
which will clear the way for him to become the supreme
ruler of “The Empire.” Ewan McGregor (Down with Love and
Moulin Rouge) as Obi-Wan, suspects the Senator but knows
nothing about his Sith identity as Darth Siddius. No one
on the council knows for certain, but they smell a Sith
involvement. (What does a Sith smell like anyway?) Yoda
senses the anger in Anakin, and fears the prophecy may
Have no fear, as these
storylines DO come together to answer all your questions
that cropped up during the first trilogy of the Star
Wars movies. That is all you are getting from us. Well
moviegoers, we don't want to tell you too much for it
WILL ruin it for you! So just get dressed and go see for
yourselves! Well, GO!
Blonde: What a pleasure, not to mention (speaking as a
film critic) a RELIEF that this sequel turned out to be
fantastic fun. Star Bucks Three was like Star Wars one
and two meets Star Wars four, five and six.
Maven: You called the movie Star Bucks! You are such a
BLONDE MOCHA FITCH!
Blonde: Oh yeah, I did…Sorry! However, they are very
close in nature. Star Bucks, Star Wars, they both give
you a burst of energy! Anyway, with the exception of the
first released Star Wars, this one is by far MY
favorite. There is a great storyline that beautifully
fills in all the missing pieces of the whole tale as
well as the EXPECTED fight scenes that are loaded with
more than amazing special effects. Movie viewers, this
is not a masterpiece, but if you don't take some of the
cheesy dialogue, acting, and directing too seriously and
just go and have a good time, then you will enjoy this
film. Besides, I just love hanging out with the dark
side FOR A CHANGE! The good side tends to get a bit
boring after a while… okay, I'm just kidding!
Maven: NO, YOU'RE NOT!
Blonde: YES I AM!
Maven: NO, NO YOU'RE NOT! Just remember, I have met some
of the men you've hung out with!
Blonde: WELL, IT'S HARD FINDING “THE FORCE” KIND OF GUY!
All the good Sky Walker Jedi types are already taken!
Thinking about it, you might just be right about the
last few guys I was with. They had a similar personality
to that of Palpatine. By the way, I don't mean to be
catty as that is not The Blonde’s nature, but That BAD
GUY has some MAJOR skin issues. It wouldn't hurt for him
to look into getting some serious BOTOX
Maven: ONLY YOU! Unfortunately, I was unable to view
this film with The Blonde. Henceforth, I went to a
different theater than usual. Why-oh-why, would you have
only TWO people selling tickets on an opening movie
weekend? (And for Star Wars, yet!) Thirty-five minutes
in line, outside, in the BLISTERING heat, (and I just
had my hair cut, now filled with frizz), then another
twenty-five minutes waiting in ONE long line for popcorn
and a coke! By now, my movie started, so I returned to
the box office to exchange my ticket for a show starting
45 minutes later (along with six other people who were
upset to miss the first 10 minutes of Star Wars
Blonde: OH, MY POOR SWEATING MAVEN! I AM SOO SORRY!
Review continued on bottom
Maven: Well, the movie WAS worth it, but this experience
taught me to stick with The Premiere at Muvico! Now to
the film! George Lucas managed to squeeze in a lot of
information without compromising the story. Of course,
with all the characters in this film, there isn't much
chance of any ONE actor stealing this movie! The
ensemble cast works well and, as usual, I still love
Yoda the best! Don't you just love those hunky guys who
use The Force so well!
Blonde: Speaking of “The Force” kind of guy, I liked
Donald Trump's pick for “The Apprentice.” I picked
Kendra Todd (from Florida), too! I hoped she would win
after the task she did for the car campaign all by
herself (because her teammates left her to fend for
herself)! Back to the film, my favorite Star Wars
character is still that CPR-TREE guy.
Maven: Where do you get this stuff from? How do you
twist things to come out that way? Do you mean
Blonde: YES, I do! You are such a total FITCH today! Are
you in the middle of your PMS attacks? We could do this
review another time! Forget it! I'll cut you some slack,
as it was so difficult for you to get to see this
Maven: What PMS are you referring to? I take
Blonde: Well, then in that case, I take back the slack I
gave to you for your FITCHINESS!!
Maven: Hayden Christensen does a good job of showing
Anakin's ambivalence towards the Jedi council. His
descent into the dark side of The Force was easy to
understand, but why couldn't those who control hair on a
set, control his hair better? It was greasy and cut in a
most unflattering style. In most of his scenes that was
what I was focusing on. By the way, did you know he was
dating Eva Longoria (“Desperate Housewives”)?
Blonde: Natalie Portman was so lovely playing Padmé. It
was such a shame she was always dressed up as if she
were going to a formal affair, when actually she had
nowhere to go at all. (I've been there and done that as
well). It was nice that the person in charge of hair
gave HER more diversified-styled hair fashions than
Carrie Fisher's Princess Lea had. Those buns on each
side of her head were killing me! I guess the
hairstylist spent too much time on Padmé’s hair and not
enough time on Anakin's! Natalie is such a beautiful
girl, I just don't like her RDMS! Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan
Kenobi) also has Robert De Niro Mole Syndrome! He
reminds me of Russell Crowe. Now, speaking of
Maven: WE WERE?
Blonde: Mav, since it was my birthday last week, (and
WHY did you get me a book on Botox? I am YEARS away from
that!) I went to the mall to get some new clothes. Every
single store is ONLY showing those umpire style-shirts
and the long peasant skirts. I hate that look. It just
makes you look OLD and PREGNANT! What is up with the
designers? There is NO other selection. DO you know how
totally depressing it is to come home on your birthday
with no shopping bags? NONE! ZILTCH! WHAT A WORLD, WHAT
Maven: I am just curious? Do you have ANYTHING AT ALL TO
SAY about this Star Wars film?
Blonde: YES, MAVEN, I DO…AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THIS
ONE! Star Wars has THREE categories: The ELVIS category,
which is the TOTALLY DEVOTED category, NO MATTER WHAT it
looks or sounds like; then there's the PARIS HILTON
category, which means you just go because it's THE
IN-STYLE THING TO DO; and last, the RHETT BUTLER
category, which is the FRANKLY, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
Maven: What is your point?
Blonde: I don't really know!
Maven: Ya know, I just thought about it. The Jedi
council forbids sexual relationships. Don't you find it
hard to believe that hunky guys like Liam Neeson and
Ewan McGregor don't have sex?
Well, at least not on the Star Wars set! Ya know, it was
a shame that Anakin went to the dark side. He started
out so romantic, sweet and sensitive. He even was
spiritual and had visions. Maven, ya know, I too have
Maven: Yeah, only yours include jewelry, tiaras and
marrying into royalty.
Blonde: SO?! You PMS QUEEN! Life is too short not to
have dreams. Speaking of visions, Maven, what did you
think of the photos of Saddam in his undies?
Maven: I was surprised that he wears tighty-whities!
But… now I can understand why he has so much
SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE!
Blonde: I actually thought they fit him like boxers!
In my opinion, he can use a snugger fit, but hey,
that's just me!
Maven: I was so hyped for this movie and I wasn't
disappointed. George Lucas did a great job and the cast
was super! The editing was smooth, the special effects
don't get in the way of the story, and many plot lines
were finished. Now I can't wait to re-watch the original
Star Wars! Obviously, you can tell I AM a Star Wars fan.
I guess that would put me in The Blonde's ELVIS
category! I rate this film an A for ABOUT TIME! I
recommend YOU GO SEE IT, if you haven't
Blonde: I thought this new edition of Star Wars is a
shining moment for George Lucas. (Now Lucas, there is a
Good Force to be connected with!) I enjoyed every minute
of this film, except towards the ending when I
desperately had to go to the ladies room and didn't want
to miss a single scene. Ladies, DON'T let this happen to
you. Go before the film starts! I rate this exciting
film a B. However, I give it an A for a Star Wars film.
It's like one big action-filled video game. For your
movie snacks, POPCORN is a must and go ahead and throw
in some Milky Way bites and Star Bursts candy to go with
the theme. Whether you root for (The Jedi), the good
force or (The Sith) the bad force, MAY THE FORCE (of
your dreams) BE WITH YOU!
P.S.: If you haven't already seen the film Crash,
it has some important social issues to teach! You might
not want to miss it.
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