May 27 - June 2, 2005• Vol. 26 - No. 21

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Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
—Perhaps the Star-iest War-iest Episode of Them All

by The Blonde and The Maven
Film Columnists

For all you die-hard Star Wars fans, just skip this part of our review as YOU have most likely already seen the film ten times and camped out in those ridiculous lines. For those of you who are waiting for the crowds to dissipate, here's the review from The Blonde and The Maven.
Hopefully you remember everything that transpired in the two previous films of this trilogy. Politics of the Republic are a bit confusing because Senator Palpatine controls the Clone Army as well as the enemy Troid Army he secretly controls as Darth Siddeus. Ian McDiarmid (Great Expectations and Sleepy Hollow) portrays each character with sinister brilliance. Hayden Christensen (Life is a House) returns as Anakin Skywalker, whose frustration with the Jedi council is fed by Senator Palpatine, who continues to lead Anakin closer to the dark side of the force. To further anger Anakin, he is experiencing premonitions concerning his secret wife, Padmé Amidala, who is now pregnant. He wants to protect her from the danger he sees in these dreams, as he fears she will die like his mother. Meanwhile, Senator Palpatine is also preparing to turn the Republic against the Jedi Knights, which will clear the way for him to become the supreme ruler of “The Empire.” Ewan McGregor (Down with Love and Moulin Rouge) as Obi-Wan, suspects the Senator but knows nothing about his Sith identity as Darth Siddius. No one on the council knows for certain, but they smell a Sith involvement. (What does a Sith smell like anyway?) Yoda senses the anger in Anakin, and fears the prophecy may be wrong.
Have no fear, as these storylines DO come together to answer all your questions that cropped up during the first trilogy of the Star Wars movies. That is all you are getting from us. Well moviegoers, we don't want to tell you too much for it WILL ruin it for you! So just get dressed and go see for yourselves! Well, GO!

The Blonde: What a pleasure, not to mention (speaking as a film critic) a RELIEF that this sequel turned out to be fantastic fun. Star Bucks Three was like Star Wars one and two meets Star Wars four, five and six.

The Maven: You called the movie Star Bucks! You are such a BLONDE MOCHA FITCH!

The Blonde: Oh yeah, I did…Sorry! However, they are very close in nature. Star Bucks, Star Wars, they both give you a burst of energy! Anyway, with the exception of the first released Star Wars, this one is by far MY favorite. There is a great storyline that beautifully fills in all the missing pieces of the whole tale as well as the EXPECTED fight scenes that are loaded with more than amazing special effects. Movie viewers, this is not a masterpiece, but if you don't take some of the cheesy dialogue, acting, and directing too seriously and just go and have a good time, then you will enjoy this film. Besides, I just love hanging out with the dark side FOR A CHANGE! The good side tends to get a bit boring after a while… okay, I'm just kidding!

The Maven: NO, YOU'RE NOT!

The Blonde: YES I AM!

The Maven: NO, NO YOU'RE NOT! Just remember, I have met some of the men you've hung out with!

The Blonde: WELL, IT'S HARD FINDING “THE FORCE” KIND OF GUY! All the good Sky Walker Jedi types are already taken! Thinking about it, you might just be right about the last few guys I was with. They had a similar personality to that of Palpatine. By the way, I don't mean to be catty as that is not The Blonde’s nature, but That BAD GUY has some MAJOR skin issues. It wouldn't hurt for him to look into getting some serious BOTOX injections!

The Maven: ONLY YOU! Unfortunately, I was unable to view this film with The Blonde. Henceforth, I went to a different theater than usual. Why-oh-why, would you have only TWO people selling tickets on an opening movie weekend? (And for Star Wars, yet!) Thirty-five minutes in line, outside, in the BLISTERING heat, (and I just had my hair cut, now filled with frizz), then another twenty-five minutes waiting in ONE long line for popcorn and a coke! By now, my movie started, so I returned to the box office to exchange my ticket for a show starting 45 minutes later (along with six other people who were upset to miss the first 10 minutes of Star Wars III).


Review continued on bottom


The Maven: Well, the movie WAS worth it, but this experience taught me to stick with The Premiere at Muvico! Now to the film! George Lucas managed to squeeze in a lot of information without compromising the story. Of course, with all the characters in this film, there isn't much chance of any ONE actor stealing this movie! The ensemble cast works well and, as usual, I still love Yoda the best! Don't you just love those hunky guys who use The Force so well!

The Blonde: Speaking of “The Force” kind of guy, I liked Donald Trump's pick for “The Apprentice.” I picked Kendra Todd (from Florida), too! I hoped she would win after the task she did for the car campaign all by herself (because her teammates left her to fend for herself)! Back to the film, my favorite Star Wars character is still that CPR-TREE guy.

The Maven: Where do you get this stuff from? How do you twist things to come out that way? Do you mean C-3PO?

The Blonde: YES, I do! You are such a total FITCH today! Are you in the middle of your PMS attacks? We could do this review another time! Forget it! I'll cut you some slack, as it was so difficult for you to get to see this film.

The Maven: What PMS are you referring to? I take Zoloft!

The Blonde: Well, then in that case, I take back the slack I gave to you for your FITCHINESS!!

The Maven: Hayden Christensen does a good job of showing Anakin's ambivalence towards the Jedi council. His descent into the dark side of The Force was easy to understand, but why couldn't those who control hair on a set, control his hair better? It was greasy and cut in a most unflattering style. In most of his scenes that was what I was focusing on. By the way, did you know he was dating Eva Longoria (“Desperate Housewives”)?

The Blonde: Natalie Portman was so lovely playing Padmé. It was such a shame she was always dressed up as if she were going to a formal affair, when actually she had nowhere to go at all. (I've been there and done that as well). It was nice that the person in charge of hair gave HER more diversified-styled hair fashions than Carrie Fisher's Princess Lea had. Those buns on each side of her head were killing me! I guess the hairstylist spent too much time on Padmé’s hair and not enough time on Anakin's! Natalie is such a beautiful girl, I just don't like her RDMS! Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan Kenobi) also has Robert De Niro Mole Syndrome! He reminds me of Russell Crowe. Now, speaking of fashion…

The Maven: WE WERE?   

The Blonde: Mav, since it was my birthday last week, (and WHY did you get me a book on Botox? I am YEARS away from that!) I went to the mall to get some new clothes. Every single store is ONLY showing those umpire style-shirts and the long peasant skirts. I hate that look. It just makes you look OLD and PREGNANT! What is up with the designers? There is NO other selection. DO you know how totally depressing it is to come home on your birthday with no shopping bags? NONE! ZILTCH! WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD!

The Maven: I am just curious? Do you have ANYTHING AT ALL TO SAY about this Star Wars film?

The Blonde: YES, MAVEN, I DO…AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THIS ONE! Star Wars has THREE categories: The ELVIS category, which is the TOTALLY DEVOTED category, NO MATTER WHAT it looks or sounds like; then there's the PARIS HILTON category, which means you just go because it's THE IN-STYLE THING TO DO; and last, the RHETT BUTLER category, which is the FRANKLY, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN option!

The Maven: What is your point?

The Blonde: I don't really know!

The Maven: Ya know, I just thought about it. The Jedi council forbids sexual relationships. Don't you find it hard to believe that hunky guys like Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor don't have sex?
The Blonde: Well, at least not on the Star Wars set! Ya know, it was a shame that Anakin went to the dark side. He started out so romantic, sweet and sensitive. He even was spiritual and had visions. Maven, ya know, I too have visions.

The Maven: Yeah, only yours include jewelry, tiaras and marrying into royalty.

The Blonde: SO?! You PMS QUEEN! Life is too short not to have dreams. Speaking of visions, Maven, what did you think of the photos of Saddam in his undies?

The Maven: I was surprised that he wears tighty-whities!  But… now I can understand why he has so much SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE!

The Blonde: I actually thought they fit him like boxers!  In my opinion, he can use a snugger fit, but hey, that's just me!

The Maven: I was so hyped for this movie and I wasn't disappointed. George Lucas did a great job and the cast was super! The editing was smooth, the special effects don't get in the way of the story, and many plot lines were finished. Now I can't wait to re-watch the original Star Wars! Obviously, you can tell I AM a Star Wars fan. I guess that would put me in The Blonde's ELVIS category! I rate this film an A for ABOUT TIME! I recommend YOU GO SEE IT, if you haven't already!

The Blonde: I thought this new edition of Star Wars is a shining moment for George Lucas. (Now Lucas, there is a Good Force to be connected with!) I enjoyed every minute of this film, except towards the ending when I desperately had to go to the ladies room and didn't want to miss a single scene. Ladies, DON'T let this happen to you. Go before the film starts! I rate this exciting film a B. However, I give it an A for a Star Wars film. It's like one big action-filled video game. For your movie snacks, POPCORN is a must and go ahead and throw in some Milky Way bites and Star Bursts candy to go with the theme. Whether you root for (The Jedi), the good force or (The Sith) the bad force, MAY THE FORCE (of your dreams) BE WITH YOU!

P.S.: If you haven't already seen the film Crash, it has some important social issues to teach! You might not want to miss it.

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