That’s Putting it Gently
The Blonde and The Maven
After years of looking for Mr. Right (ladies
haven't we all?) Charlotte “Charlie” Cantilini,
convincingly played by Jennifer Lopez (Maid in Manhattan
and The Wedding Planner) thinks she has finally found
THE ONE' He is a wealthy, handsome doctor who is most
charming and, above all, AVAILABLE. Michael Vartan (One
Hour Photo and Never Been Kissed) plays Kevin Fields,
the man of Charlie's dreams. Unfortunately, she soon
finds out that Kevin comes with a GRAND CANYON TYPE FLAW
in the guise of his mother, Viola Fields. Jane Fonda
(Klute and Stanely and Iris, who has been in retirement
for what seems like forever while she was married to THE
Ted Turner), plays the recently fired national news
anchor who is just back from a stay in a mental facility
after having a nervous breakdown. A very possessive
mother, to say the least, Viola is afraid after just
losing her job that she will lose her son too, and to a
'temp' yet! It doesn't take her long to begin her
campaign of sabotaging Charlie in hopes of derailing
The fun (if that's what
you want to call it) continues, when Charlie decides to
fight back after learning of Viola's evil trickery.
Director Robert Luketic seems to have an affinity for
comedies, as he also directed Legally Blonde and Win a
Date with Tad Hamilton. How lucky can he be to have Jane
Fonda return to acting after a 15-year absence in his
most recent film. Go have some mother-in-law fun and
compare Viola to your own mother-in-law!
Blonde: This movie for me was like a memory-lane-journey
through MY PAST mothers-in-law! Viola, however, was much
sweeter! Monster-in-Law was like Meet the Parents and
Meet the Fockers meets Guess Who and You'll Like My
Mother! The only problem is that this film was way too
similar to Meet the Parents, right down to the
deal-making in the end. Monster-in-Law was silly,
mindless, small and totally unbelievable… yet, I enjoyed
it all the same. Sometimes it's just fun to SEE JANE
ACT! It has been so long, and it was just great to have
her back on the big screen. I think she was insane for
walking away from acting in the first place. She left to
be with Ted Turner, and am I wrong, wasn't she the queen
of WOMEN'S LIB back in the day? I am not as old as you,
Maven, so correct me if I'm wrong!
Maven: I must start my comment on the Blonde's dumb
comment about Oprah in last week's column… THE DAUGHTER
YOU CLAMIED SHE AND STEDMAN HAVE IS THEIR COCKER SPANIEL
Blonde: HEY, STOP YELLING AT ME, AND A DAUGHTER IS A
DAUGHTER SO WHAT IF IT IS A DOG!
Maven: About the film, Jane chose the perfect movie to
return with. She has a comedic flair with over-the-top
characters. Her delivery is so smooth, you think she's
not acting but channeling! No matter who was on screen
with her, she was the one you watched. (Am I gushing?) I
don't think Jane gave up acting for Ted! She just
decided to give her relationship all her energy. In
doing so, she didn't give up her independence. She chose
to spend it all in one place. HER choice! Get it?
Anyway, there weren't many good roles for her at that
time. Comebacks are more dramatic.
Blonde: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Like I said before, she gave
it all up for Ted! By the way, Maven, how long did you
take getting dressed for the screening tonight of
Monster-in-Law? I mean PLEASE, your purse and shirt
matched down to the orange and yellow stripes, and the
earrings matched to the point of being obnoxious! It's
so nice to see that you have all that extra time in your
life to coordinate your wardrobe so well!
Maven: Some things just come naturally to style-talented
dressers! Blonde, like you don't spend time
matching the pearl bracelet, belt and necklace with the
strappy heels and short skirt?
Blonde: Hey, don't forget the elegant shirt and jacket
the rings and other matching jewels…
I think the
biggest problem with this film was that it looked so
promising and it (I'm sorry to say) fell short of being
a great movie! If you have seen the trailers to this
film, then you pretty much have SEEN THIS FILM! Every
funny line that was in the trailer made up all the funny
lines in the movie. Sorry Jane, I love ya and I’m glad
you're back, but next time, read into the scripts a
little more. Maven, Jane is 67ish, and there is no way
on the planet she hasn't spent some QUALITY time in a
plastic surgeon’s office. She looks amazing and SKINNY,
The Maven: She may have
had some surgery, but not too much. Some age was
showing, but on her it looked great! I was quite sick of
seeing those trailers, too. The movie seemed
anti-climatic after all that. Speaking of
Blonde: We are not going to speak about my blind date
Maven: I felt Michael Vartan's character was boring. He
looked great, but why would a dynamo like Jennifer's
Charlie continue to see him?
Blonde: He was boring, but not as boring as my date, and
Kevin was much cuter to boot! Obviously you are not from
L.A. If you were, you would understand why she continued
to date him. Back to Jane, the age she showed was not of
a 67-year-old woman! I only hope we age (even with the
surgery) half as well! I thought Wanda Sykes stole this
movie. Her character Ruby reminded me of Florence in the
old “Jefferson's” TV show. (As I am too young, I know
this from watching RE-RUNS!) This film was a good career
move for her. I don't think, however, it will do too
much for Jane or for J. Lo. By the by, do you think J.
is happy with her new husband Anthony? Speaking of new
husbands (not for me personally, THANK THE LORD!) what
is up with Renée Zellweger marrying a guy after knowing
him like what, 15 minutes, give or take a few seconds? I
wonder if she asked for a pre-nup, at least?
Maven: I love Wanda, too. She was the perfect side-kick
for Jane to work with. All I could think of when I heard
about Renée was Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. I sure
hope Renée has better luck!
Blonde: I agree. They were a weird couple to begin with.
Back to the film…Now WHO in real life bumps into the
hunkiest guy in the world three times in two days? Then,
he searches you out and hands you Starbucks coffee just
the way you like it? I don't even go there in my dreams!
Speaking of places I don't go in my dreams, is Tom
Cruise really in love with Katie Holmes or is he just
trying to throw us press off the track? And is Katie
Holmes the daughter of John Holmes, the porn
Maven: NO, SHE IS NOT! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU,
AND… HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW OF JOHN HOLMES? I never try to
second-guess Tom Cruise. He lost me when he dumped
Nicole in such a bad way. Don't be such a cynic. If a
guy you recently met hands you a Starbucks, JUST DRINK
IT! It won't be the way you like it, because NOBODY IS
AS ANAL AS YOU ABOUT YOUR STARBUCKS!
Blonde: ANAL? ANAL? Just because I like a Starbucks
large (Venti) café latte with skim milk, no foam, 190
degrees and filled to the very top with six Sweet &
Lows and one Equal doesn't mean I am ANAL, CYNICAL or
PICKY! Having said that, let's move along! Isn't
Macaulay Culkin cute? He still looks like a kid even
though he is 24. Michael sure owes him BIG for
testifying so well on his behalf!
Maven: Macaulay is a CUTIE and you know I try to stay
away from discussing Michael! However, Jennifer's hair
extensions were too long and too straight! They looked
Blonde: Well, I am not the biggest J. Lo fan. I think
she WAY overexposed herself. However, her extensions did
look fake! Mav, does Michael Jackson wear
Maven: I am ignoring you! In rating this movie, I tried
to be fair. After all, Jane and Wanda are very funny.
However, Michael and Jennifer were only mildly humorous.
The writing was okay, nothing special. Was the music?
The houses were nice, and no animals were hurt. I rate
this film a C for its comeback talent. If you have to
see it, see it for Jane. Don't expect any award-winning
dialogue or direction.
Blonde: The houses were beautiful! So were Jane's
wardrobe, hair, make-up and face-lift! I wonder why J.
Lo didn't sing a theme song for this film! I rate
Monster-in-Law a C- and I, too, am being MORE than fair,
because I like Jane! For your snacks, if you must go, I
recommend LOTS of popcorn with EXTRA butter (for
buttering up to the mom) and Bit of Honey candy for the
mother-in-laws to learn you get more with honey! WELCOME
BACK, JANE FONDA, WE MISSED YOU!
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