August 31st, 2006
Material Girls: Not Even Material Can Make
this Film a Hit
Material Girls was
directed by Martha Coolidge, who first brought us Valley Girl
in 1983, followed by Real Genius and, most recently, The
Prince and Me. Apparently she can't seem to get very far from
high school. In Material Girls, the leads are sisters Ava and
Tanzie Marchetta. They inherited their father's cosmetic
company and are celebrities because of it. They are beautiful,
sexy and rich. The sisters don't do much in the company, as
there are employees and board members who take care of
everything. Ava, played by Haylie Duff (Napoleon Dynamite and
Hope), is the older sister and Tanzie, played by Hilary Duff
(A Cinderella Story and Raise Your Voice), is the younger sis.
Just as a rival company expresses interest in buying the
sisters’ cosmetic empire, a scandal erupts. The Marchetta
Cosmetics Co. is now about to go belly up. That means that
instead of receiving $100 million each, the sisters may now
only get $60 million each for the company their father
started. Boo hoo! What will the sisters do now?
Blonde: BOO-HOO-HOO AND ANOTHER HOO! AND MAY I SAY HOO CARES!
Okay, this more than silly film was like Uptown Girls meets
New York Minute meets Friends with Money meets the Hilton
sisters and the Olsen twins. Can we say BAD (NO TERRIBLE)
ACTING?! With all the money they spent on designer wardrobe,
the producers should have spent a little on acting coaches.
The only thing that was believable was how spoiled these
actresses must be in real life. That part did come out clear!
Hey Mav, if sisters Jessica and Ashlee Simpson were offered
this film, they were lucky to take a pass! Another reason I
hated this awful movie was that I was the OLDEST person in the
theater. I hate that. Furthermore, I don’t think our creator
should have wasted perfect skin on the young. I think you
should start with wrinkles and, the older you get, the less
wrinkles you have. I think you should have to earn perfect
The Maven: I am so embarrassed for Hilary. I
know she isn't known for her stellar acting ability, but this
was really bad! She and her sister looked great and their
clothes were fab, but the movie was bad. Will someone please
get Haylie a nose job? How can you put yourself out there as
beautiful with that hook on your face? AND, what happened to
Colleen Camp? She was a playmate in Apocalypse Now and a
voluptuous cop in the Police Academy movies. Now she weighs as
much as I do!
The Blonde: Excellent Mav, but tell us
how you really feel! I am so proud of you for telling it like
it is without holding back the mean parts. And stop, you have
a wonderful figure! I mean one of us has to be the good cop
here. You are right about the clothes. The part I found
insulting about that, however, was they referred to those
clothes as the charity bag clothes. How insulting is that to
us real people who thought they were fab! I also must say the
makeup artist and hair stylist was fantastic. It was a shame
it was wasted on, simply put, bad acting.
Let’s not even mention Angelica Houston, who looked gorgeous,
by the way. The previews of this film say the girls go from
rich to poor. They never really seemed very poor, did they? I
can't even recommend this film for video release. I never felt
anything but contempt for Ava. She was such a selfish snob
that I wanted to see her lose everything. At least Tanzie had
some heart to her, and I use that term very lightly. She did
look good with that push-up bra, but not as good as Julia
Roberts! I have nothing more to say about this movie. EXCEPT….
BLONDE… YOU OWE ME BIG TIME FOR MAKING ME SIT THROUGH THIS
The Blonde: WELL, IT WAS EITHER THIS OR THE MOVIE
WITH THE SNACKS AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE SNACKS… NOT TO
MENTION FLYING! SO BOTH TOGETHER IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE
IN ONE MOVIE!
The Maven: I think you mean SNAKES? WE
ALL KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR SNACKS!
The Blonde: Ok… sorry
about that type-o!
The Maven: YEAH! We all believe
that was a type O! HA-HA-HA!
The Blonde: About your
poor comment, WE should write our own film and show what poor
is! The biggest problem with this film is all the characters
were so unlikable that you didn’t care what happened to them.
You actually rooted against them. I don’t agree with you about
Angelica. She looked OLD and, may I say, heavy! For such a
stellar actress, all I can say is that I am sorry that she was
in this dreadful film! SO LET’S GET TO SOME JUICY STUFF, and I
don’t mean the designer! I think John Mark Karr is a PIG,
WEIRD-LOOKING, STRANGE, ODD, FREAK, and I just don’t know if I
believe he killed JonBenet Ramsey!
The Maven: Even if
he didn’t kill her, his actions after the fact are despicable.
He was emailing Patsy Ramsey (not really, thoug,h as they were
intercepted by the FBI). The man IS a SICKO!
Blonde: I just hope we find out the truth one day, for the
sake of the Ramsey family! So… I flew about a week ago and
The Maven: Okay, I’ll bite …WHAT? (LIKE, I
ACTUALLY HAVE A CHOICE!)
The Blonde: It turns out
“I…The Blonde” am a terrorist. They didn’t ask if I had a gun
or a bomb or a knife. They just wanted to know if I had hair
spray, hand cream, nail polish, lip gloss or liquids. As I
stood there holding my Venti cafe latte with skim milk and
seven Sweet and Lows, I said Honey… I am THE BLONDE! I HAVE
ALL THAT AND MORE! I was so angry, throwing away all my newly
bought cosmetics from Suforia! Not to mention, I was looked at
as if I was a terrorist! I mean, what do the Hilton sisters
do? Never mind, they have their own jet, silly me!
Maven: I think you mean SEFORA. I mean GIRL, I have been
buying cosmetics all my life and I never went to SUFORIA!!! I
guess that was yet another type-O!
The Blonde: In
fact, IT WAS! AND I ACTUALLY THINK YOU MEAN SEPHORA!!
The Maven: Sorry, I just got back from Chili’s and it
was 2-for-1 happy hour!
The Blonde: Speaking of Kate
Hudson, I hope she dumped her husband and really is with Owen
Wilson now. I think they are perfect together.
Maven: How can you possibly know they are perfect for each
other? You don’t even know them! Is it because they are both
The Blonde: And how exactly do you KNOW that
I don’t know them? They are both dear, dear friends of mine.
The Maven: Are you going to tell me that you were her
babysitter? That is the only way I will believe that you know
The Blonde: OK…. OUCHHHHHHHH! Did you run out of
your Zoloft this week? First you pick on HOOK-NOSED HAYLIE
DUFF and now the poor INNOCENT BLONDE!
The Maven: It’s
been years since you were innocent! Don’t forget, I KNEW YOU
BACK THEN, TOO!
The Blonde: IN CLOSING…
Maven: That is what I thought BABYSITTER!
I am going down to the drugstore for a Zoloft emergency!
The Maven: Oh, DO stop off at Chili’s on the way, it
will help you too! I DO NOT RECOMMEND this film for anyone
over 11 or under 10! Don’t catch it on cable, either! I rate
it a D for dud or DUFF or WHATEVER!
The Blonde: I
don’t get it? How can it be over 11 or under 10, am I missing
The Maven: OH BLONDE, you are missing lots
The Blonde: ZOLOFT, HERE I COME! I too
rate Material Girls (which is actually an insult to the hit
song) a D! This is truly a waste of good studio film. I like
Hilary and I hope this film won’t hurt her. If you have to go,
the only SNAKE I recommend is MILK DUDS! STAY HOME… TRUST US!
The Maven: SNACK... (type-o, yeah right!)
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