Into the Blue—More Like Into the Blues

 by The Maven and The Blonde
Film Columnists

This shallow water of a film, directed by John Stockwell (Blue Crush—he seems to love movies with the word Blue in the title), is more eye-candy than great filmmaking. However, we will deliver the story to you no matter how difficult it is to do, as that is our JOB!
 
This underwater action-adventure film begins on an airplane. Yes, you guessed it already… after the small plane crashes off the coast of the Bahamas carrying A LOT of screaming foreigners and 800 kilos of cocaine, our story begins.
 
Don’t let Hollywood’s four most tan actors, two buffed up men and two perfect YOUNG ladies’ bodies throw you off this NON-AMAZING, less than stellar tale. Young and daring amateur treasure hunters, Jared (played by Paul Walker from 2 Fast 2 Furious and Joy Ride) and his classy and honest love Sam (played by Jessica Alba from Sin City and The Fantastic Four) are living happily together in the Bahamas. The two lovers eventually team up with Jared’s less than honest, sleazy, playboy, N.Y. lawyer pal Bryce, portrayed by Scott Caan (Boiler Room) and his VERY recent girlfriend of about ten minutes, Amada, also sleazy and self centered, but looks great in a tiny bikini (played by Ashley Scott). The newly formed, sexy, well built and golden diving team, quickly (like that ever really happens) makes a remarkable find. No, not a new, faster, longer-lasting tanning product or workout machine, but, second best, they discover what appears to be the discovery of their dreams. They feel they have discovered the wreckage of the Civil War-era ship the Zephyr. This legendary Spanish shipwreck, containing jewel-encrusted artifacts, could be worth tens of millions of dollars. If legitimate, this would make them more then filthy rich, beyond their wildest imaginations. OOPS, wait, there’s more! In the same area of the ocean floor, they also discover (WHAT A COINCIDENCE!) the downed plane containing millions of dollars of cocaine. Which should they choose? Do they go after door number one, with all the bling-bling, or door number two, with the huge stash of cocaine? MMMM, what will they do? What will they do? Sweet and honest Sam wants nothing to do with the drugs, but the lawyer buddy thinks it is a swell and swimming idea! Oh, we forgot to tell you that the waters are abundantly infested with sharks. Oh and yes, we also neglected to tell you about the bad guys, including Josh Brolin (Melinda and Melinda, Hollow Man, James Brolin’s son and Barbra’s son-in-law), who plays the rival treasure hunter Derek Bates. That’s all we will tell you about him. See what happens to this foursome of idyllic, beach-bum, greedy, mistrusting, mutiny kind of friends…OR NOT!
 
The Blonde: What a waste of film. This movie smelled like dead fish from the lobby of the theater! Into the Blue was like some good movies such as The Deep meets Blue Crush meets Splash meets Open Water meets “Miami Vice” meet Pirates of the Caribbean (not to insult Johnny Depp’s great film) meets “Baywatch” and “Girls Gone Wild.” ‘Ya know, moviegoers, how sometimes you are watching a film you love so much and having such a great time that you don’t want it to end? You won’t experience that here! I can’t wait another second to tell you that this was one big belly flop, nose DIVE of a movie. This film was nothing but BAD acting, BAD script, BAD directing, bad, bad, bad everything! Obviously, the parts called for great swimmers instead of great actors! However, I was taught, growing up, to always try to state the positive, so here goes! The film lasted one hour and 50 minutes instead of two or longer, the fish were very beautiful and it was a nice Caribbean travel brochure with velvety blue, sparkling waters. In addition, the talented cinematographers, Shane Hurlbut and Paul Zuccarini, displayed amazing and brilliant underwater photography and camera angles that were astonishing. They even managed to capture every possible cleavage and tush shot that they were offered. The editors, Nicholas De Toth and Dennis Virkler, also achieved some great work; too bad it was so wasted on this film. The only Oscars in this film’s future is maybe some Oscar De La Renta dresses at the premiere! Even gazing at Antonio Banderas WOULDN’T save this film. Okay, maybe Antonio. No! Not even him!
 
The Maven: This film was a lovely vacation show piece for the Bahamas. The cinematographers showed us the beautiful, clear, teal-blue waters and some fabulous beaches. For those who enjoy water sports, there are jet skis, scuba-diving, and beautiful coral reefs. The travelogue, Into the Blue, was frequently interrupted with a weak story about treasure hunting, sunken planes, with bricks of cocaine and some terrific shots of Jessica Alba under water in a skimpy bikini. There are also numerous shots of her and her bikini on a yacht. I think there were other people around her, but I only saw Jessica. No, I am not gay, but she has a body that men and women alike can appreciate. I don’t like her right now, so I am not very objective. However, before this film, I always enjoyed her acting.
 
The Blonde: Mav, didn’t you think the director was going for Brad Pitt and Britney Spears lookalike characters? I really hated this movie on so many levels. First, staring at those more than perfect bodies for almost two hours lowered my JUST FINE self-esteem by five notches! The dialogue made me so nauseous that I had to put my popcorn away! I have NEVER had that happen! When Sam said to her beloved Jared, “I believe in you, more than any treasure,” I swear, I almost ran out! I mean, I am a romantic, but, BARF! BARF! This movie was so cliché! Simply watching it made me want to drown myself just to get out of watching the rest! I found myself rooting for the sharks! I mean, REALLY ROOTING! Speaking of sharks, Donald Trump and his wife are expecting a baby. He stated it won’t be the last, either! I think that’s cool! New little apprentices in his future!
 
The Maven: Her name is Melinia and I’m not sure how many kids they will have…but I have no doubts that she will keep her PERFECT figure! While I don’t usually wish bad things to happen to people, in this movie, I did! I disliked the skinny blonde, Amanda, so much that I was pleased when the shark attacked her! The story was so weak, like the Blonde, I actually didn’t finish my popcorn. I think the film needed more of Josh Brolin. His shady character was much more interesting than the lead, Paul Walker’s character. I could never get up enough feeling for anyone in the film. The dialogue was pointless and the pacing of the scenes was too slow.
 
The Blonde: I agree, and the reason you couldn’t get up enough feeling is because the characters were so darn unlikable! I also agree about your Brolin comment. His character was the only one with any substance at all! About Jessica, she is truly beautiful with a flawless bod, but man oh man, she really needs some acting lessons. This is no Meryl Streep here, folks! I completely disagree with the Maven’s comment on her acting abilities, though! In addition, I know the two male leads are supposed to be hunks, but ‘YO’… they did nothing for me! Mav, did you see Diane Sawyer’s interview with George Clooney? Now, there is a HUNK! He told Diane that he is NOT the father type. He doesn’t want any kids. He doesn’t feel the need to reproduce offspring from his loins. Maybe I should just give him a call! I mean, after all, his loins shouldn’t be a total waste!
 
The Maven: I am not touching that loin comment with a ten-foot pole. I do agree, though, that he is someone who has only gotten better with age. So has his acting! Readers, look for our review on Clooney’s upcoming film, Good Night and Good Luck!
 
The Blonde: Hey, I just realized one good reason why a woman might take her man to this film. There is so much female flesh exposed on screen that if her man likes to frequent strip clubs, after seeing this film, he could take a pass for the night and go home with her!
 
The Maven: Hey, but what does a woman get out of suffering through this film? There is no romance, no hot sex, and frankly there are very few hot male bodies to ogle.
 
The Blonde: She gets her man to be with her!  Oh, I see your point!
 
The Maven: VERY FUNNY! If she needs this movie to do that, then she is in big trouble! There are some good films out now that you should go see. Into the Blue is NOT one of them. However, if you want to see some beautiful photography of the Bahamas and you have two long hours to kill, then by all means, go see it. I rate this film a D- for its dim story!
 
The Blonde: PA-LEASE…PA-LEASE! Don’t waist your time, just turn to the Travel Channel and save your money! I say, “THROW THIS FILM OVERBOARD!” If you are 10 to 21 years old, this film might provide you with some entertainment. If you are over 25 years old, overweight by one pound, over an 85 I.Q., over films that are trite, unrealistic, weak, amateur, WITH NO substance, bad acting, bad storylines, AND MOSTLY over bad films, DO NOT CATCH THIS UNDERWATER FILM. The last film this bad relating to water was Water World with Kevin Costner! This story was as slim as the actor’s bodies! I rate Into the Blue a D- as well, and I am being kind! Stay home and watch anything! Watch “Gilligan’s Island” re-runs, or A Fish Called Wanda, or even better, The Prince of Tides, which has nothing at all to do with water. For your movie snacks, if you must go, I recommend nothing, for seeing this film could make YOU nauseous! A nice cold frozen strawberry daiquiri or margarita could help, though! Never mind, if you see this film, you will need a treat. Have some soda, popcorn and Swedish fish candy and sushi! See you at a good movie!

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