February 18 - 24, 2005• Vol. 26 - No. 06

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Hitch—A Great Film with a Great Hitch to It

by The Maven and The Blonde
Film Columnists

Finally, Hollwood got the timing right—a romantic comedy released just in time for Valentine's Day. In Hitch, Will Smith (I, Robot and Bad Boys 1 and 2) plays Alex Hitchens, a phenomenally successful dating counselor who helps inept single men connect with the would-be loves of their lives. This business supports Alex’s penthouse lifestyle. For all the reasons explained in the movie, Alex practices his craft anonymously and discreetly, by referrals only. His biggest personal dating challenge comes in the form of Albert, portrayed by Kevin James (50 First Dates and “King of Queens”), who is a frumpy, overweight, clumsy, asthmatic, insecure, goofball accountant. Hitch must turn Albert into a dating specimen capable of winning over his beloved Allegra, the gorgeous and wealthy celebrity played by model Amber Valetta (Raising Helen and What Lies Beneath). To complicate matters, which is what gives the movie it's umph, Hitch meets his own love match, Sara, played by Eva Mendes (2 Fast 2 Furious and Stuck on You). Sara is a seen it all, done it all, hard to get, sassy, gossip columnist in her own right. Although they have a few disastrous dates (which is what actually charms Sara and wins her heart), they seem to enjoy each other’s company. The trouble all begins when Sara finds out, through her work, that Albert won Allegra with the help of the elusive “Date Doctor.” Feeling quite betrayed and deceived, she decides to uncover and expose the “Urban Legend’s” identity. And they’re off, moviegoers...

The Blonde: I loved this film! I haven't laughed out loud this much since Meet the Fauckers! Finally, a FUN night at the movies kind of film. Hitch was like What a Woman Wants meets “Sex in the City” meets Something About Mary meets Along Came Polly meets Roxanne. This was a TRUE ROMANTIC COMEDY that was intelligent, witty, charming, clever, original, sweet, sophisticated, up-to-date, and quite real in an unrealistic scenario. Before I go on with this film, it would be distasteful if I didn't first talk about a major crisis happening in the world today. Everyone is going on and on about Iraq, Iran, North Korea and even the insecurity of Social Security. Why is the whole world ignoring and burying their heads in the sand to the REAL crisis that is just about to happen in England!

The Maven: England?

The Blonde: Yes, my dear Maven… England! Why is everyone looking the other way? Don't people understand that Prince Charles is about to marry Camilla Parker-Bowels! Oh the drama, oh the travesty, oh the humanity! This bit of info completely ruined my Valentine’s Day celebrations.

The Maven: What, it interrupted you going through a four-pound box of chocolates taking only one bite out of each piece?

The Blonde: Very funny! That was only part of my PLANNED celebrations. The rest involved Brad Pitt, but now I won't tell you!

The Maven: Oh, like I care! I get the Playboy channel, so I don't need to hear about your STUPID infatuations and imaginings. Don't worry, Charles DESERVES Camilla! By the way, did you see “Saturday Night Live”? They had a great skit on the engaged couple. Camilla's part was played by a GUY who looked better as a woman than she EVER could. Blonde, I think you spelled Camilla's name wrong, it's Parker-Bowles!

The Blonde: NO! Darn I missed it. I was too busy talking on the phone to some of the Grammy Award contenders. By the way, if we are invited to the wedding, I AM NOT GOING!  I didn't spell it wrong, I spelled it exactly the way I wanted to!

The Maven: Good one! WELL I AM GOING! Hey she will NEVER be Queen or him King, so look on the bright side. I bet the wedding gifts to the guests will be jewelry!

The Blonde: You think that it might be a tiara?

The Maven: The queen hasn't consulted with me yet! How would I know, but you already have EVERY tiara ever made. Just thinking about Camilla in a tiara would be a joke in and of itself.

The Blonde: HEY, I don't have a tiara yet from the royal family!

The Maven: Is it possible to get back to the movie review now?

The Blonde: Fine, ga-head.

The Maven: I also enjoyed this movie. It pierces the heart and tickled my funny bone. However, I didn't buy the romance between Hitch and Sara. Will Smith and Eva Mendes had no chemistry between them. While Will's performance was great, Eva's left a lot to be desired. There was just NO sizzle.

The Blonde: For Pete's sake, this was a movie, not fajitas from Chili’s.

The Maven: I did buy the romance between Kevin James and Amber Valletta. Now that was a sweet match. In fact, whenever Kevin was on screen, I was riveted. I am a fan of his television show “King of Queens” and his HBO comedy special.

The Blonde: Is “King and Queens” a take-off of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”?

The Maven: Well, Blonde, if you think that a package delivery guy living in Queens is the same as five gay guys helping out straight guys, then YES....in your world it is. I have to correct your statement again because the show is called “King of Queens”!

The Blonde: Cool! I'll have to look for it on television! I really loved Kevin's character Albert, as well. He was like every average guy all tied up into one neurotic bow! By the way, ya know the line where Hitch says, “Eight out of ten woman believe the first kiss tells them everything about a relationship”? Well, I don't agree with that. I just think it tells a woman if the guy is a good kisser.

The Maven: Is that experience talking or just you?

The Blonde: No, unfortunately just experience! Hey Maven, did you know the actress Eva suffers from R.D.M.S.?

The Maven: What the heck is R.D.M.S.?
The Blonde: Well, it's officially known as Robert DiNiro Mole Syndrome!

The Maven: I had to ask! 

The Blonde: Maven, I have to ask you, if so many men don't have a clue what women need, desire and want, we need to ask ourselves, is it the fault of the mothers OR fathers who brought up this crop of males?

The Maven: I don't know, but what I do know is that THE MOTHER ALWAYS gets the BLAME!

The Blonde: By the way, did you notice when Sara had to meet Hitch at 7am she was carrying a Starbucks coffee? That's where her character first won me over!

The Maven: I thought you quit your Starbucks addiction?

The Blonde: I'm back! Camilla threw me off the wagon…Anyway, my favorite part of this film was the Ellis Island scene. I found it sweet, thoughtful, tender, and totally funny.

The Maven: I love the Ellis Island scene too, but you should NEVER have gone back to the JAVA!

The Blonde: @#%%&%$^&*^%$$$$, now why-why would you say-sa -say that?  I felt the film had a well-paced flow that was saturated with funny lines. This movie HAD what so many comedy movies lack today: A GOOD STORYLINE! I was sorry to see it end. I had a good time watching it.

The Maven: I have to give kudos to first-time screenwriter Kevin Bisch.

The Blonde: Now why would you be giving Mr. Bisch breakfast bars? 

The Maven: Now that's a perfect example of why you need to cold-turkey the Java! As I WAS saying, I also want to give a thumbs-up to director Andy Tennant, whose previous films included Fool's Rush In and Sweet Home Alabama. He seems to have a knack with light romantic comedies!  
The Blonde: I agree, but I would give them words of praise and NOT breakfast bars.

The Maven: YOU ARE WRONG JAVA FITCH! They get enough praise! I just bet with their heavy schedules they would love a case of breakfast bars. I wasn't even talking about breakfast bars. Anyway, Hitch is not just a chick flick. This is a good date movie. Will Smith had better chemistry with Kevin James than his female lead. For that reason, I rate this film a B for a good buddy movie.                 
The Blonde: JAVA FITCH? JAVA FITCH!  Chemistry-Smemistry!  You are just jealous of the girl’s body! Now how does that feel?

The Blonde: I’M SORRY, I AM SOOOOO SORRY!  I WILL QUIT COFFEE FOREVER! YOU WIN!  I found Hitch to be fresh, funny, surprisingly good, and felt myself smiling throughout the fleeting-by 2 hours and 15 minutes. I not only think that it is a good date movie, but a movie that all men and women should see! I rate it an A- for A-dorable. For your snacks, have some sour-patch candy, for they are spicy like the film. Enjoy!

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