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“Employee of the Month”: We Deserve That Title for Suffering through the Dreadful Film

“Employee of the Month” was meant to be a comedy about employees at a membership store competing for the honor of being ‘Employee of the Month.’ On one side we have the “slackers” who could care less about impressing the boss or anyone else. On the other side are the “brown-nosers” who go out of their way to appear as helpful and caring as they can be. The lead brown-noser is Vince Downey, played by Dax Shepard (“Without a Paddle” and “Zathura”), winner of ‘Employee of the Month’ seventeen times in a row. Representing the slackers is Zack Bradley, portrayed by Dane Cook (“Stuck on You” and “Waiting”). He has been employed at Super Club for the same ten years that Vince has, but Zack is still only a boxer, never having been promoted up to cashier. A new cashier starts at the store and Vince and Zack are very interested in her. Her name is Amy Renfro and she is reputed to be interested in anyone holding the title of ‘Employee of the Month.’ Playing Amy is Jessica Simpson (“Dukes of Hazzard”). Zack realizes that in order to win Amy's affection, he must win ‘Employee of the Month.’ While competing with Vince, we learn more about Zack. He wasn't always a slacker and he has more heart than you think.


THE BLONDE: Does the production company of a film EVER stop and say, this is terrible… we NEED a re-write? Is throwing away money that much fun? This film was like…. no, I am not gonna do it because I won’t even insult a bad film for this is, hands-down, too bad to compare it to anything else! MAN-OH MAN! I NEED STARBUCKS TO GET THROUGH THIS! The Maven owes me big time, as this one was her pick!


The Maven: My hopes for Jessica were dashed in this movie. I can't stand her singing and I was hoping she could act so that I wouldn't be subjected to her voice anymore. She looks really good, but I think she is probably the worst actress of all time. Men, if you want to spend $8 to look at Jessica and her boobs, go ahead. I wonder how much she was paid for this job. What a waste of money.


The Blonde: Okay, yes, her boobs are great. BUT, did we have to see them falling out of her shirt in EVERY SINGLE SCENE! However, she could use a nose job…..MEOW! Sorry, I get that way after wasting two hours of my life!


The Maven: I only wanted to see this movie because I am a fan of Dane Cook. He is always good. However, even he couldn't save this poorly written, formulaic, unevenly directed movie. He did a good job with what he had to work with, but there just wasn't enough to hold my interest. Andy Dick surprised me, though. For once he was not so over the top. I found him mildly funny. It was his acting, not the writing, that was funny.


The Blonde: I love Dane as well, especially after watching his last comedy special. I don’t blame him. He did the best he could with a terrible script. After all, it was a leading role for him! Andy stole this film as far as I was concerned. That is not saying much, though! Mav, I simply cannot justify this film by continuing. Can we talk about something better, like poor Anna-Nicole Smith? Well, I am going to! My heart just cries out to her. She has had so much drama. She is going through so much between a birth and the hormones that go with it, the death of her son that she adored, and the fathers of her baby fighting before the media. She really needs to just run off to a far away Island and hide out!


The Maven: Bahama Mamma!!


The Blonde: Okay, why are you singing a Jimmy Buffet song?


The Maven: First of all, it’s not a Buffet song! It is a Beach Boy song! How is it that you can watch a news report and only pick up on half of the story? SHE IS IN THE BAHAMAS! THAT IS WHERE SHE GAVE BIRTH!  Readers, just let it slide!


The Blonde: WELL! Excusssssse ME! I am a very busy woman and don’t have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO LOLLY AROUND AND WATCH THE NEWS ALL DAY LONG!


The Blonde: Thank to CNN, I only have to watch the news for 20 minutes!


The Blonde: Well, I don’t like country music so I don’t have the country news network, so sue me!


The Maven: We went to high school together and I swear I really don’t recall you doing drugs. I really don’t.


The Blonde: WHAT!  Wait a minute, YOU were the ONE always smokin’!


The Maven: READERS, JUST LET THAT ONE SLIDE AS WELL. Are you surprised that Vince and Jennifer are over? I guess looks aren't everything in life. When she hooked Brad, I was jealous. When Angie stole him, I applauded, as I felt she was a better match for him. Even though Vince was a rebound, I still thought they would last longer. I read that when Brad first left Jen, she was so depressed that she didn't shower for days and wouldn't leave her house. That could be a turnoff for some guys. Not showering, even if you are Jennifer Aniston, is a bad idea. Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deodorant; maybe he should call Jen?


The Blonde: THEY BROKE UP?  MAN I REALLY NEED TO GET THAT COUNTRY NEWS NETWORK CHANNEL!  I don't care! I never saw them together anyway. I am glad they broke up. They just don’t look right together. Jen needs to go to Victoria’s Secret, get some personal products, take a good bath, regroup and rebound to the next quest! I can, HOWEVER, see her with Matthew!


The Maven: Let's wrap things up. I do not recommend this film for anyone over seventeen, or with an IQ higher than 85…oh, and loser guys who need to get a glimpse of Jessica's boobs. If it comes to cable TV and nothing else is on at 4am, go ahead and watch it. I rate the movie a D for disappointment, but Jes gets an A for her hair extensions and her cleavage! 


The Blonde: DON’T SEE THIS FILM! I REPEAT, MISS THIS FILM! You can get your cleavage fix in other ways. I rate this film an F-. If you must go, for your film snacks go ahead and have one of Jessica’s favorites… chicken. CHICKEN OF THE SEA!

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