Can be Too Close for
Maven and The Blonde
Closer is the dramatic love story directed by
Mike Nichols and adapted from Patrick Marber’s 1997
award-winning stage-play of the same name. This film
looks at the uncompromising, honest interaction of
contemporary relationships. Closer takes place in modern
London, where four strangers are brought together by
sheer accident and fate. Their attractions lead to cold
and brutal betrayals that forever change each
character’s life and relationships.
The four main
players include Dan, portrayed by Jude Law (Alfie and
Cold Mountain), an aspiring, frustrated novelist who is
earning a living writing obituaries for the London
Newspaper. There is also Larry, played by Clive Owen
(King Arthur and Beyond Borders), the handsome,
self-assured, dermatologist who, after experiencing a
broken heart, swears NEVER to be hurt again. Adding
spice to the screen is Anna, elegantly played by Julia
Roberts (Pretty Woman, Ocean’s Eleven, Erin Brockovich
and the new, proud mother of twins), who is a
successful, beautiful (what else could she be)
photographer recently divorced. Last but not least,
there is the china doll Alice, played by Natalie Portman
(Star Wars and Where the Heart Is), who has recently
come to London to start a whole new world for herself.
She is honest, sincere, childlike, direct and the most
genuine character in the group.
Okay, now try
to keep up! The story begins when Dan, while walking to
work, runs into Alice, the young and beautiful American
stripper who has just been hit by a taxi. Well, she of
course instantly falls for Dan unconditionally. Dan is
initially charmed with Alice and they share a romance.
Alice and Dan's relationship inspires him to finish his
novel (she is his muse), which is based on their
relationship (how original and creative)? Now, we jump
ahead a few years (like Alexander) and Alice's neediness
and constant affections are starting to wear thin on
Dan. So… enter Anna, the gorgeous photographer who is
hired to take Dan's portrait for the cover of his new
novel. The two flirt, sparks fly and obvious as it is,
yes you got it; Dan falls madly in love with Anna. But…
insecure and quite unsure about Dan's love for her,
Alice confronts Anna and Anna denies such acquisitions
about her and Dan. Are you confused yet? WAIT, THERE'S
Through the Internet, with the
encouragement of cupid Dan (pretending to be Anna),
Larry and Anna meet. They fall in love and get married.
By this point, Dan wants Anna for himself and stalks her
until they have an affair. Now, Anna tells Larry about
the affair and Dan gets upset. Then Anna gets upset! Dan
tells Alice that he is in love with Anna and he gets
upset. Then poor Alice gets upset. Dan and Anna begin to
live together and Larry gets upset again. By this time,
the Blonde and the Maven are upset too! Larry can't live
life without his Anna. He is so miserable that he
wanders the streets and winds up in a strip club where
he meets up with Alice and they have sex. Readers, are
you still with us? This is tough to follow! Okay, now
the plot thickens even more (even though it's as thick
as mud now)! Anna has sex with Larry so that he will
sign the divorce papers. Anna tells Dan about it and now
he is upset again. At this point, The Maven and the
Blonde went to the concession stand to REFILL our
popcorn buckets and buy MORE candy. (The heck with our
If infidelity and mind games disturb you,
then by now you will not be a happy movie-going camper!
We wouldn't dare tell you how this one ends, or does
Blonde: Closer was like Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice meets
Dangerous Liaisons meets Alfie meets Carnal Knowledge
meets 10 meets Virginia Woolf meets American Sweethearts
meets we really don't care anymore! I am so dizzy and
confused with all of this her with him and him with her
storyline. What happened to the innocent, sweet, old
fashioned love stories? This film was like a chess game
of interactions with complex characters. Its
intertwining relationships of complete mistrust and
layers of betrayal truly had ironic implications. These
four characters were four perfect examples of how
Prozack or Zoloft could have come in handy! Maybe these
were the people Bush was talking about when he was
speaking of “THE EVIL DOERS”?
Maven: Don't go there! Power games, honesty, revealing,
shallow, and debased. No, not an episode of “The
Apprentice”! This movie had all of the above. The
characters incessantly talked about sex, but you never
actually see anyone “DOING IT”! If there had been
just one shot of Clive Owen's tush, I would have enjoyed
the movie a little more! I am so depressed!
Blonde: You’re depressed because, how should I
phrase it, this film was bad! It displayed tricky
time passages as well as very surreal usage of filming
close-up shots and angles. The story was like a Jerry
Springer show without the flying chairs and bodyguards.
It was like a bad soap opera with good acting! Oh Maven,
remember that addiction to love? Remember the
electricity and passion you get from a brand new
relationship? Remember that great to be in love
Maven: Who could remember that far back? With you it's a
Blonde: Oh, you flatter me so! Getting back to the film,
did you know that Owen, (who played Larry), first played
'Dan' in the original London stage production of Closer?
Furthermore, Cate Blanchett was originally cast for
Julia's part, but she got pregnant and had to drop out!
Man that Julia Robert's is one lucky girl! She's
had so many hit movies (not to mention Ocean's Twelve).
She is married to a babe, she's beautiful, has a perfect
body, and just experienced the miracle of giving birth
to twins, a boy and a girl! Some gals have it
Maven: MEOW!! MEOW!!! All of the actors did a
terrific job, but I didn't feel connected to any one of
their characters. I really could care less if anything
turned out well for these four people. Julia's
performance was the most subtle she's ever given.
Natalie was positively riveting to watch. Clive was
beautiful and his voice is divine. Jude was vulnerable.
However, all was wasted on a story with no purpose. Did
you know that the director of this film, Mike Nichols,
is married to Diane Sawyer? With a storyline this movie
conveys, it makes you wonder about their
Blonde: Hey, watch it! I love Diane Sawyer. Being the
serious journalist that I am, she is my role model and
hero. Back to this film, Natalie Portman, who is
originally from Israel, is such a talented young woman.
She will most definitely stand the test of time in
Hollywood. I must say, though, that I was totally
disappointed to see her in this far too provocative of a
role. I don't think it was appropriate or beneficial to
her career. As far as Jude is concerned, this is the
second film in a row he has taken that makes woman hate
men! Julia looked more beautiful than ever and is
always the superb and consummate actress. Lastly, Clive
portrayed an unlikable controlling character. As far as
the film is concerned, if I wanted this much stress,
shock, aggravation, and depressing moments I would have
gone bathing-suit shopping.
Maven: Or, you could get married again!
Blonde: GOOD ONE!
Maven: My reaction to this movie was absolute
Blonde: I think that was because your pants were too
tight! We did have a terrific dinner in the
Premier restaurant at Muvico!
Maven: I can't help it, their grouper is to die for, not
to mention their fab desserts. But… I have NO excuse! My
pants were tight before dinner! Now where was
Blonde: Your absolute discomfort!
Maven: My intellect said, “Well, this is an adult
love story.” My emotions said, “If this is being an
adult, I'll stay immature!” Oprah would probably label
the characters in this film as having erotic anxiety. I
label it a D for depression!
Blonde: This film had way too much clichéd dialogue. The
story was twisted, sadistic, dark, sad, and a downer to
watch! I could do without all the mind games, as I
experience enough raising two girls! A word of
advice to all our male readers! If you are looking for
romance after a movie, DO NOT TAKE YOUR LADY TO SEE
Closer! I suggest you go see National Treasure
instead! I rate this film a D as well! I suggest
skipping the snacks altogether, as this film is NOT
WORTH THE CALORIES!
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