December 17 - 23, 2004 • Vol. 24 - No. 51

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Blade Trinity—Sometimes You
Just Need to Sharpen Your Blade

by The Maven and The Blonde
Film Columnists

For years, Blade has fought against vampires in the night with the world above completely clueless as to the ongoing bloody wars. Wesley Snipes (Blade and U.S. Marshall) returns for the third time around as the day-walking vampire hunter. This time, however, he finds himself a wanted man by the FBI while having to face his most challenging enemy of all, Dracula! (The blood thickens) “Sooner or later all vampire movies come back to Dracula,” explains the narrator of Blade Trinity.

The film begins with a group of vampires led by Danica, portrayed by Parker Posey (A Mighty Wind and You've Got Mail), looking for the ORIGINAL vampire Dracula, played by Dominic Purcell (Mission: Impossible 2). The dreaded Dracula is napping in the Syrian Desert and is, needless to say, bloody angry to be disturbed from his slumber. He does agree to aid the modern vampires in their quest to be rid of Blade once and for all. In so doing, they begin will their “final solution” for all humans.

Meanwhile, the ever taciturn Blade is now being assisted by Whisler's daughter, Abigail, played by Jessica Biel (Cellular and television's “7th Heaven”) and ex-vampire Hannibal King, portrayed by Ryan Reynolds (National Lampoon's Van Wilder and television’s “Two Guys and a Girl”). Abigail and Hannibal head a group of hunters called the Nightstalkers. Part of the Nightstalker team is Sommerfield, the blind scientist played by Natasha Lyonne (Slums of Beverly Hills and recent arrestee for DUI). She is currently working on a secret chemical solution to kill off all vampires. Martial arts type of fighting, fire engulfed vamps, special effects, humor, cliché dialogue, bloody gory death scenes, over-the-top situations, and Blade verses Drake (as Dracula is now called) jumping impossible long distances are all part of what you can expect to find watching this movie adventure.

The Blonde: Blade Trinity was like Blade 1 and 2 meets any ole Dracula flick meets Terminator meets Tomb Raider meets Underworld. For a Christmas season release, this was NO, HO HO HO film but rather more like a HO-HUM, HO-HUM film! I was yawning so much that I started to hyperventilate! I thoroughly enjoyed the first two Blade films, but I was rather disappointed and unimpressed by this third Blade film.  For two hours, all I could think about was going home and starting a load of laundry! Towards the end, I was even longing to do my monthly bills!

The Maven: I was so jazzed to see another Blade movie. While I enjoyed the fight scenes, I especially liked the humor delivered by Ryan Reynolds. He was perfect in this role, buff and funny. By the way, he is engaged to Alanis Morrisette.

The Blonde: To be perfectly honest with you, Maven, if it weren't for the humor injected by Ryan throughout the entire film and his sexy six-pack abs, I 'fur-sure' would have walked out on this movie! Here is a perfect example of stopping the sequels at number two.  It appeared to me that this film was just thrown together for the sake of making money. VAMPIRES, SHMAMPIRES, IF I WANTED THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF ME I WOULD HAVE PAID OF VISIT TO MY EX IN-LAWS!  And…”whats-sup” with Kris Kristofferson? He looked like Santa Claus without the Santa suit and BAD acting! HO HO HO!  I was only grateful they killed him off early on in the film.

The Maven: This film was directed by David S. Goyer, who wrote all three Blade movies. Unfortunately, he's not as good a director as he is a writer. Or maybe he ran out of words to write. The dialogue was weak and the actors had very little to work with.

The Blonde: What dialogue? It was more than just WEAK dialogue? The script was so trite and unoriginal, they had to rely on special effects and fluff to carry this one off! It even failed at that! The actors were directed just as poorly as in the style of the old time movies. Remember the overly dramatized reactions of Bette Davis? The only real acting you will see here, folks, is by the vampire dogs. Now that was acting. They were great!

The Maven: I disagree! Wesley Snipe's “Blade” is just as he always is. Parker Posey was over the top, but I forgive her. She's such a joy to watch in all of her roles. For all of you World Wrestling Fans, Triple H has a small role as a vampire bodyguard type. No typing against cast there! According to early press reports, there was some discord on the set. Snipe's stays in character the whole time. Ryan said there was no joking around and there is only one take with him.

The Blonde: It would have turned out better if they had joked around more on the set and done about 20 takes each time! However, BAD writing equals BAD acting. The one good thing I can say about Blade the movie is I was NEVER worried about having to run to the bathroom three times for fear of missing anything special! There is something to be said for that!  Hey Maven, speaking of Anna Nicole, she looks great since she lost all of that weight!

The Maven: Yeah, but she also lost her brain in the transition. Did you see her try to speak at that awards show? They actually gave her the hook!

The Blonde: YEAH! But I never saw anyone look so good getting the Hook!

The Maven: All in all, this is a film with a lot of action, good humor, good music, and bad writing. I rate it a C for campy!

The Blonde: All in all, DON'T waste your blood-earned money on this lousy attempt at a vampire movie. Go see Ocean’s Twelve instead. It is a much better movie bet. I rate Blade Trinity a D- for dreadful. If you have to see this one against my strong warning NOT TO, then I suggest for snacks, Red Vines, Red Hots, red M&M's and red punch to drink!

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