Blade Trinity—Sometimes You
Just Need to Sharpen Your
Blade by The Maven and The
Blonde Film Columnists
For
years, Blade has fought against vampires in the night
with the world above completely clueless as to the
ongoing bloody wars. Wesley Snipes (Blade and U.S.
Marshall) returns for the third time around as the
day-walking vampire hunter. This time, however, he finds
himself a wanted man by the FBI while having to face his
most challenging enemy of all, Dracula! (The blood
thickens) “Sooner or later all vampire movies come back
to Dracula,” explains the narrator of Blade
Trinity.
The film begins with a group of vampires
led by Danica, portrayed by Parker Posey (A Mighty Wind
and You've Got Mail), looking for the ORIGINAL vampire
Dracula, played by Dominic Purcell (Mission: Impossible
2). The dreaded Dracula is napping in the Syrian Desert
and is, needless to say, bloody angry to be disturbed
from his slumber. He does agree to aid the modern
vampires in their quest to be rid of Blade once and for
all. In so doing, they begin will their “final solution”
for all humans.
Meanwhile, the ever taciturn
Blade is now being assisted by Whisler's daughter,
Abigail, played by Jessica Biel (Cellular and
television's “7th Heaven”) and ex-vampire Hannibal King,
portrayed by Ryan Reynolds (National Lampoon's Van
Wilder and television’s “Two Guys and a Girl”). Abigail
and Hannibal head a group of hunters called the
Nightstalkers. Part of the Nightstalker team is
Sommerfield, the blind scientist played by Natasha
Lyonne (Slums of Beverly Hills and recent arrestee for
DUI). She is currently working on a secret chemical
solution to kill off all vampires. Martial arts type of
fighting, fire engulfed vamps, special effects, humor,
cliché dialogue, bloody gory death scenes, over-the-top
situations, and Blade verses Drake (as Dracula is now
called) jumping impossible long distances are all part
of what you can expect to find watching this movie
adventure.
The
Blonde: Blade Trinity was like Blade 1 and 2 meets any
ole Dracula flick meets Terminator meets Tomb Raider
meets Underworld. For a Christmas season release, this
was NO, HO HO HO film but rather more like a HO-HUM,
HO-HUM film! I was yawning so much that I started to
hyperventilate! I thoroughly enjoyed the first two Blade
films, but I was rather disappointed and unimpressed by
this third Blade film. For two hours, all I could
think about was going home and starting a load of
laundry! Towards the end, I was even longing to do my
monthly bills!
The
Maven: I was so jazzed to see another Blade movie. While
I enjoyed the fight scenes, I especially liked the humor
delivered by Ryan Reynolds. He was perfect in this role,
buff and funny. By the way, he is engaged to Alanis
Morrisette.
The
Blonde: To be perfectly honest with you, Maven, if it
weren't for the humor injected by Ryan throughout the
entire film and his sexy six-pack abs, I 'fur-sure'
would have walked out on this movie! Here is a perfect
example of stopping the sequels at number two. It
appeared to me that this film was just thrown together
for the sake of making money. VAMPIRES, SHMAMPIRES, IF I
WANTED THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF ME I WOULD HAVE PAID OF
VISIT TO MY EX IN-LAWS! And…”whats-sup” with Kris
Kristofferson? He looked like Santa Claus without the
Santa suit and BAD acting! HO HO HO! I was only
grateful they killed him off early on in the
film.
The
Maven: This film was directed by David S. Goyer, who
wrote all three Blade movies. Unfortunately, he's not as
good a director as he is a writer. Or maybe he ran out
of words to write. The dialogue was weak and the actors
had very little to work with.
The
Blonde: What dialogue? It was more than just WEAK
dialogue? The script was so trite and unoriginal, they
had to rely on special effects and fluff to carry this
one off! It even failed at that! The actors were
directed just as poorly as in the style of the old time
movies. Remember the overly dramatized reactions of
Bette Davis? The only real acting you will see here,
folks, is by the vampire dogs. Now that was acting. They
were great!
The
Maven: I disagree! Wesley Snipe's “Blade” is just as he
always is. Parker Posey was over the top, but I forgive
her. She's such a joy to watch in all of her roles. For
all of you World Wrestling Fans, Triple H has a small
role as a vampire bodyguard type. No typing against cast
there! According to early press reports, there was some
discord on the set. Snipe's stays in character the whole
time. Ryan said there was no joking around and there is
only one take with him.
The
Blonde: It would have turned out better if they had
joked around more on the set and done about 20 takes
each time! However, BAD writing equals BAD acting. The
one good thing I can say about Blade the movie is I was
NEVER worried about having to run to the bathroom three
times for fear of missing anything special! There is
something to be said for that! Hey Maven, speaking
of Anna Nicole, she looks great since she lost all of
that weight!
The
Maven: Yeah, but she also lost her brain in the
transition. Did you see her try to speak at that awards
show? They actually gave her the hook!
The
Blonde: YEAH! But I never saw anyone look so good
getting the Hook!
The
Maven: All in all, this is a film with a lot of action,
good humor, good music, and bad writing. I rate it a C
for campy!
The
Blonde: All in all, DON'T waste your blood-earned money
on this lousy attempt at a vampire movie. Go see Ocean’s
Twelve instead. It is a much better movie bet. I rate
Blade Trinity a D- for dreadful. If you have to see this
one against my strong warning NOT TO, then I suggest for
snacks, Red Vines, Red Hots, red M&M's and red
punch to drink!
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