Horror Than You
Might be Looking
by The Maven and The
Amityville Horror is a remake that is based on a
true story. Closely following the book by Jay Anson and
the original screenplay by Sandor Stern, the current
screenplay by Scott Kosar holds no surprises or changes.
Amityville Horror is the ULTIMATE real estate nightmare
(more than the norm). In fact, the ad should read,
“Beautiful, Spacious, Dutch Colonial, on waterfront, but
OH ALL THAT BLOOD!”
Newly married to a widow
with three children, George Lutz, played by Ryan
Reynolds (Blade Trinity and National Lampoon's Van
Wilder), is looking to relocate to a peaceful house in
the country. He and his wife Kathy, portrayed by
Australian actress Melissa George (Down with Love and
Mulholland Drive), find a beautiful home that seems too
good to be true. (Hint, there is usually a reason a real
estate deal sounds way too good)! Sure enough, the
realtor eventually informs the couple that a family of
six was murdered there. Apparently the deal is just too
good to let a little thing like murder scare the Lutzes
away. (BIG MISTAKE… BIG…HUGE!) In the original film, the
scary part takes longer to get started, but this remake
is thirty minutes shorter, so the fright starts right
away. (Oh, Goody!) In no time at all, George is acting
differently—but you forgive him because he looks
fantastic, shirtless—and the young daughter is talking
to a dead girl (Don't ya just hate when that happens?)!
When Kathy gets suspicious, she enlists the aid of a
priest, Father Calloway, played by Philip Baker Hall
(Sum of All Fears and The Insider), who confirms her
fears that indeed the house is haunted. (OK, LIKE DAH!)
Unfortunately, the evil presence in the house is too
strong for him to cope with and he RUNS away (with
Olympic speed)! Meanwhile, George is now living in his
basement (note, horror films always have very bad things
hiding in basements) and he seems obsessed with chopping
wood (shirtless, which is nice for the women in the
theater). It's up to the wife (not to mention mother of
three) to save the family. If you are thinking this
movie is trite, DON'T! There is much more gore, blood
and some very chilling subject matter…
Blonde: Oh my word, the only thing scarier than Camilla
Parker Bowel's wedding headpiece was this film.
Amityville Horror was like What Lies Beneath meets Hide
and Seek meets Nightmare on Elm Street meets The Sixth
Sense meets The Exorcist meets The Haunted Mansion and
The Shining meets Poltergeist. This film upset me even
more than I had expected because it was based on a true
story. I can't tell you moviegoers how much I hated and
loathed the first two minutes of this film (and just
about the other hour and a half as well) and if I
weren't reviewing it, I would have walked out. I just
don't like movies that kill children or animals,
especially in a frightening and violent way. By
the way, Maven, I didn't appreciate you trying to scare
me the whole time, with your fingernails! NOT
Maven: HEY, those were my toenails… I wouldn't
risk my fresh manicure for a simple scare! My first
question is, why remake a horror film that was so good
the first time around? James Brolin and Margo Kidder
were truly great in the original. I guess someone wanted
to up the scare factor. Well, they DID do that. However,
in moving events forward in a shorter time, I felt they
lost the subtlety in George's deterioration. Ryan
Reynolds did a wonderful job, but we never got to LIKE
him enough to inspire us to care about him. By the way,
Blonde, it WAS a great house.
Blonde: Personally, I don't care how great a house
is…Once a realtor tells me that six people (four of them
being children) were murdered in the house, I am
history! Maybe it's just me, but when I see dead people
around the house I live in, I am in a hotel in another
Maven: I can't help but remember Eddie Murphy's special
on HBO when he does the bit on haunted houses. He said,
“If a house starts to talk to you, move out!” These
people had 28 days of unnatural happenings before they
finally left. So why then would you EVER GO INTO THE
BASEMENT! Thank G-d we live in Florida—no
Blonde: Basements or attics aside, this film manipulated
my emotions and took me on a roller coaster ride of fear
and tension. I only put up with that from my
Maven: Watch it, I love roller coasters and often
ride them with my kids. I went online to the site of the
original owners of “High Hopes.” There's the whole story
of the DeFeo family and their murder that supposedly
sparked the haunting in the Lutz's house. Ronald DeFeo
Jr., who was responsible for his family's murders, was
one BAD KID!
Blonde: And we complain when our kids just mess up the
house (WITHOUT ANY BLOOD)! HUH? As far as horror films
go, this one had all the typical cliché events. There
were the bathtub scenes, the jumping from the rooftop
scenes, the fire, the rain, lights flickering, the eerie
music and sound effects, lots of blood, evil faces,
swinging chandeliers, the exorcist who runs AWAY in
fear, the dreaded basement, locked doors
mysteriously opening, tension filled screaming,
people falling in the water and then some… Ya know your
basic Saturday night TEENAGE party!
Maven: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AND STILL DOING IT!
Blonde: The big question for me was… if a priest runs
for the hills out of my house, my dog is killed, my kids
are seeing things (MORE THAN USUAL) and my husband is
growing horns so to speak, (AGAIN MORE THAN USUAL) my
babysitter goes anatomic from a night of babysitting,
(WELL, THIS ONE IS USUAL MOST OF THE TIME), I don't
think I would stay to see what else happens. But hey,
that's just ME!
Maven: Why, you stayed with your second husband and the
effects were very similar!
Blonde: A…Yeah, BUT I LEARNED MY LESSON!
Maven: AND...EXCUSE ME, I understood everything
BUT the ANATOMIC babysitter, do you perhaps mean
Blonde: NEVER MIND! Anyway, Maven, this movie actually
gave me heart palpitations and hot flashes, and I am
nowhere near menopause, like you.
Maven: Hey, keep me out of this.
Blonde: Sorry, it's just that this film deeply disturbed
Maven: Oh, give me a break, you have always been
Blonde: Yeah, but not like this!
Maven: Did you hear that Oprah couldn't get into the
Johnny Cochran funeral, but O. J. was there and Michael
Jackson got a standing ovation upon entering?
Blonde: I guess she's just too famous and not considered
infamous enough to have gotten in. Too bad, though. She
would have sported such a nice designer funeral dress
with matching shoes and clutch!
Maven: Speaking of appropriate funeral attire, I saw a
photo of Charles and Camilla at the Pope's funeral. She
actually looked so much better in black with pearls than
her wedding gown bedspread. Too bad she didn't wear
black to her wedding.
Blonde: Well, at least (as far as I am concerned) it
would have been more appropriate! MEOW MEOW…
Maven: This was definitely gorier than the original. I'm
not sure if that made it better or not! Melissa George
didn't excite me at all, but Ryan Reynolds is always
enjoyable. I rate this film a B for the rise in my blood
pressure with a minus for rushing things along when the
Lutzes first moved into the house. There could have been
more depth to George if they had built up to his
Blonde: The moral of this story is BEWARE WHEN BUYING A
HOUSE!! This film was heaven verses hell AND good
verses evil. If you like to be scared, if you like being
distressed down to your soul, if you like evil, cruel,
ugly, scary, horror, violence, killing, blood, and
death, then LOSE MY NUMBER and run to see this film. For
the rest of you, DON'T GO… DON'T GO… DON'T GO SEE
Amityville Horror. BECAUSE OF ALL THE VIOLENCE INVOLVING
CHILDREN, I hated every minute of this movie. To be
fair, I have to give this picture two ratings (This is a
first time I have done this). Personally speaking, I
rate Amityville Horror an F. HOWEVER, as far as
well-done horror films go, I rate it a C+. If you are
going to ignore me, then for your snacks I suggest Red
Vines, Red Hots and red punch to go with the bloody
horror! Remember, THE BLONDE WARNED YOU!
P.S.: Moviegoers, for one of the FINEST films
with the most to learn from that I have seen all year
(and longer), RUN AND SEE Paper Clips. What an IMPORTANT
movie this is! No matter if you are white, black,
Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, man, woman, child,
THIS IS A MUST-SEE FILM! IT IS AN A++++ FILM. If nothing
else, you will never look at paper clips the same way!
Do not miss Paper Clips!
property of Entertainment News & Views © 2003.
Nothing that appears on this site may be reproduced,
either wholly or in part, without the written permission
of the publishers and solely at their discretion.