Alexander—But, Was He Really
Great? by The Blonde and
The Maven Film Columnists
A
year ago, there were five Alexander the Great biopics in
the works. Director Oliver Stone (Platoon, JFK and
Nixon) derailed the competition by coming out with his
version first. The film consists of extravagant battle
scenes, absorbing history lessons, dramatic costumes and
boldly over-the-top acting.
Alexander begins in
323 B.C. as we find 32-year-old King Alexander, played
by Colin Farrell (SWAT and Phone Booth), lying on his
death bed. Then, ever so suddenly, the story jumps ahead
40 years as the empire he built is carved up and
divided. The movie is eloquently narrated by Alexander's
general Ptolemy, played by Anthony Hopkins (The Human
Stain and Hannibal), who is now the Pharaoh of Egypt.
Just as the story is beginning to make sense, the film
flashes us back in time 60 years when Alexander was
three years old. In this scene, we see his father
Philip, King of Macedonia, played by Val Kilmer (The
Doors and The Saint), raping his mother Olympias,
Princess of Epirus, played by the dangerously gorgeous
Angelina Jolie (Lara Croft, Tomb Raider and Beyond
Borders). Before the viewers can get to steady, the
story leaps ahead to King Alexander, who by this point
in time has united the Greek nation and is getting ready
to topple the Persian Empire. If the moviegoers have
survived all the flashing about, they are then taken on
Alexander's march to expand his Empire to India. Amidst
the march, however, the film flashes back to Alexander’s
early days, explaining how he came into his power as
King. (We were so nauseous by this point! It would
have been less rocky to go on a Caribbean cruise!)
Despite all the jumping and
flashing, (this will make the men understand what
menopause is all about), the story of Alexander DOES at
last get told! Much is made of his conquering lands and
incorporating their culture with the Greek culture.
There was never any doubt as to King Alexander's ability
as a military strategist or his open-mindedness as a
tyrant. It was his sexuality that appeared murky, to say
the very least! The taboo topic of Alexander's
bisexuality is covered somewhat shyly without the macho
contempt you might expect form a director such as Oliver
Stone. Alexander’s ambiguous relationships with his
“overbearing” mother Olympias and his “barbarian” bride
Roxane, played by Rosario Dawson (The Rundown and Men in
Black 2) are alluded to but never fully
explored.
As is the case with many of Stone's
films, this one has some rather strange elements and
unexpected twists. You will have to decide for yourself
how these elements come together for an intriguing
history lesson.
The
Blonde: Alexander was like Troy meets Hero meets King
Arthur meets Caesar meets Cleopatra meets Napoleon. ‘Ya
know how some three-hour movies seem to just fly by so
quickly you hardly know where the time went? Well, this
is NOT one of those movies. Alexander was a three-hour
movie that could have been (and should have been)
accomplished in two! Just when you think the film is
about to sum it all up, they take you back to yet
another flashback, bringing you once again to the
beginning. It was like trying to say goodbye to your
family after a visit. “Goodbye,” over and over and
over…and over and over…
The
Maven: I didn't mind the three hours, but I thought more
could be made of it! Historically, Alexander was a
believer in mysticism and used the oracles regularly,
BUT, no mention of that in this story. Then Oliver Stone
really undercuts any sense of what made thousands of
Macedonians and Greeks follow Alexander “to the ends of
the earth” for almost a decade. So much of the film was
spent on alluding to his bi-sexuality, that I never
quite got the point of the “GREAT” man's motive for his
expansion to the east.
The
Blonde: Maven, I have to ask you a question, seriously.
Why did such manly men go around dressed like women? The
long hair was great, but why did the Greek men run
around in mini-skirts and the Persian men go about
wearing more eye-makeup than any woman I know,
(including me)? Even more of a question, how did they
apply such a thick straight line without mirrors?
The
Maven: What are you complaining about? You got too see
all those sexy men's legs! As for the make-up,
metrosexual's were around even then. Oh and by the way,
Jared Leto, who played Hephaestion was absolutely
gorgeous. He needs to be a Mabelline model.
The
Blonde: The best part of the film for me was Sir Anthony
Hopkins’ silky-rich, velvety voice, narrating. He gives
any film true credibility. Furthermore, most of the
story's spunk and kick was provided by Angelina Jolie,
who was wearing just the perfect amount of eye-makeup.
Here's an interesting observation. If Angelina Jolie had
blonde hair, she would look exactly like my twin, body
and all!
The
Maven: Blonde, it’s way past a year since your last
visit to the eye doctor. (I know ‘cause I drove you).
Please DO call as soon as possible!
The
Blonde: OUCH, OUCH, OUCH! I will ignore your rude
comment and continue on. It was also quite comforting to
find out that, even in the days of yore, her son, King
Alexander, didn't listen to a thing his mother (Jolie)
said. He ignored just about everything she taught him
and told him to do. It made me feel better about my
kids. The moral here is, kids NEVER listen or change, no
matter what era they are born into.
The
Maven: If Alexander listened to his mother, his life
would have been a little easier. I too, thought Angelina
was fascinating to watch in this film. This was her
finest acting performance to date.
The
Blonde: Maven, I had an epiphany after the fifth
yawn and two-and-a-half hours into this film. It seems
to me (call me crazy) that if men spent less time
running around raging unnecessary wars and killing
ruthlessly and spent more time shopping at the malls,
this world would be a better place!
The
Maven: Men do go to the mall! Who do you think carries
the bags for their ladies? Unlike you, I never yawned
during the movie. I do think, however, that if they
showed more scenes of Alexander's bravery when he was
young, it would have enhanced the storyline. I loved the
scene where the young Alexander (played by Connor Paolo)
showed backbone when he tames the untamable horse
(Bucephalas) to impress his father. By the way Blonde,
Phantom is coming, Phantom is coming!
The
Blonde: Oh, you saw my ex-husband in Home Depot too? I
was so uncomfortable having to spend my shopping time
running up and down all the wrong aisles to hide from
him.
The
Maven: Oh, you are so sad! I meant, Phantom of the Opera
is going to be opening in theaters December 22,
2004.
The
Blonde: OH, that PHANTOM! I already know and I
TOTALLY can't wait! BY THE WAY TO YOU, when we were
having our pre-movie dinner, it was so Julia Roberts of
you when you were squeezing your lemon into your tea and
it split in half, flying across the room and landing in
the man's lap at the next table…
The
Maven: I live to entertain you!
The
Blonde: Maven, didn't you find it as annoying and
disturbing as I did when we were watching Alexander up
in the balcony section that we could hear obnoxious kids
sitting below screaming laughing, making annoying
noises, and beaming that red laser-light onto the movie
screen?
The
Maven: Wasn't that YOUR daughter and her little
friends?
The
Blonde: Well yes, but if the Queen couldn't control her
kid Alexander, then how in the world do you expect me to
do it?
The
Maven: All in all, Alexander wasn't a bad movie. Colin
Farrell was great in the role, as were the rest of the
cast. The battle scenes were outstanding, except for the
last one in India with the elephants. That battle was
brutal and too difficult to watch for an animal lover
such as myself. I rate this movie a B. In
addition, I suggest Oliver Stone lighten up on the
politics for his next film. Maybe he should try a
romance! The Blonde: Telling Ollie to limit
the politics in his films is like asking a baby not to
cry! This film had more bloodshed than a Chucky horror
film! It was somewhat over-acted, too long and
unnecessarily drawn out. Although Alexander did have
enough moments to make it a worthwhile night at the
movies, there will not be any ACTING awards given out on
Oscar night. I rate it a C+. For munchies, I strongly
suggest you bring from home ALL your leftover Halloween
candy before it spoils. You will have plenty of time to
eat every single last piece. See you at the
movies!
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